


Blood Moon Rising

by Noscere



Category: Gravity Falls, 悪魔城ドラキュラ | Castlevania Series, 悪魔城ドラキュラ 暁月の円舞曲 と 蒼月の十字架 | Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow & Dawn of Sorrow
Genre: Alchemist Mabel, Family Bonding, Gen, Mild Hurt/Comfort, in the time of dungeon crawling, more tags to come
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2018-07-12 04:59:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7086409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noscere/pseuds/Noscere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is October 23, 2014. Weirdmaggedon has been cancelled. The Pines family enjoy some bonding time under the partial solar eclipse. And then they get to play a very high-risk game of Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons. Fun for the whole family!</p><p>(This is not Jumanji.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Little Star

###  **October 22, 2014 – MABEL'S DIARY, PAGE 26-33  
**

(Bright-pink hardcover journal, front cover embossed with a gold chibi pig. Looks handmade. Entry written in sparkly purple gel pen, underneath a gigantic sticker of the moon and several stamps of the Gemini constellation.) 

 

Dear Diary,

Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford are finally here! I was really worried they would be held up in Panama forever – something about Stan’s old friends, and then Ford chased after the Panama Creature – and then they would miss the eclipse! But they’re here.

Grunkle Stan brought some little crystals carved into pigs from Mexico for me, and this silver knife for Dipper. (Mom and dad don’t know about the knife, but Grunkle Ford says it’s best to be prepared. Who knows? Maybe we’ll get a werewolf around school.)

The knife is really cool – there’s all these inscriptions and pine trees and bats engraved into its hilt, and it came in this velvet case – but it’s not as cool as my grappling hook!

I’m glad Dip-Dip’s got something to protect him. I can’t always be there with my trusty grappling hook. What would I do if something happened to him?

The Stan o’War II is currently docked in the Alameda Marina. Mom drove there to pick up the Grunkles. The ship’s a bit banged up – a few chunks torn out from the hull, and I’m pretty sure there were more antennae when I last saw her. But she’s still sailing, just like our Grunkles.

 

Over dinner, Grunkle Ford brought his research, and he and Dipper (hah! Grammatically correct, too!) started nerding out over the Panama Monster.

Dad and mom just nodded along. They don’t really like Dipper’s nerding out over supernatural stuff, but as long as he keeps getting good grades, I don’t think they care. I don’t think they believe in the supernatural at all, which is why we’re never going to tell them about the time I started the apocalypse and the Pine family stopped the apocalypse.

Any-hoodle, Grunkle Stan started looking a bit left out, so I asked him to show me how to box! He looked so happy when I started punching up the bag we have in the garage. He says I’m a born fighter, and maybe if I practice, I could go into the ring. It’s a really good rush, but it’s more of a sometimes thing for me. But watching Grunkle Stan fight? It reminds me of him punching those zombies to keep me and Dip-Dip safe. He seems crusty, but he really cares about his family.

 

Afterwards, Grunkle Ford gave me all the crafts he collected from the places he visited. Dipper got all of Ford’s research notes – seriously, he squeed so loud, mom thought someone had crashed a car outside.

It’s so cool to see all the ways people see the world. I wonder if that’s the way we keep ourselves alive. Like those glyphs that Ford found, that were prophesied to defeat Bill. Those glyphs were thousands of years old, but through art, a long-gone people is still present. We might have forgotten their names, but we can’t deny they were there. It’s sorta like a soul jar! Except you don’t need to do a Voldemort and actually break up your soul.

I hope everyone who gets some of my art gets a little bit of me with their gift. I put my heart and soul into what I make. And if that makes someone’s day better… well, what can I say? The world gets a little bit better every time I make someone smile.

 

Grunkle Ford also gave me the entire rainbow’s worth of alpaca yarn. I’ve got all sorts of thicknesses: there’s a 1-mm wide cranberry colored yarn that would be perfect for softening up some of my acrylic yarn. And then there’s these thick yarns I’ll have to pull out the big 14-mm needles for. I’ll be able to knit some really warm sweaters for those two old men. Or maybe capes. Grunkle Stan would look great in a cape.

The Grunks are sleeping in the living room tonight. Me and Dip Dip are going to hold a sleepover with them! There’s going to be popcorn, and caramel-covered sprinkle-dipped popcorn, and maybe candy popcorn. Living on a boat with barely anything other than fish can’t be healthy. It’s my job to bring their sugar levels back to normal! Tomorrow, we’re all going to the docks, and we’re gonna watch the solar eclipse on the deck of the Stan O’War II.

I can’t wait!

 

###  **ACRYLIC PINE-TREE SHAPED USB KEY: LABELED "PARA-VII-MTDM-FILES", ENCRYPTED  
**

 Name & Extension: “10-23-14_MTDM_GRUNK_PARA_ECLIP.mp4”

Size: 6.2 Mb on USB-PINE TREE II (6.2 Mb out of 100 Tb)

Created: Thursday, Oct 23, 2014 at 8:20 PM

* * *

  **TRANSCRIPT OF VIDEO**

 [Faint sounds of waves lapping against the shore. Wooden boards creak under booted feet. The scene is mostly dark, except for the golden light spilling out of the Stan O’War II’s cabin. Mabel is sitting in Grunkle Ford’s lap. Ford is wearing a scarlet alpaca sweater. The words, _World’s Best Scientist!_ can almost be discerned in the cabin light. Grunkle Stan has a thick blanket over his shoulders, the edges of which are faintly visible in Dipper’s camera view. Everyone visible is wearing sunglasses with a gold six-fingered hand logo on the right leg.]

DIPPER: Testing, testing… yup, looks like it’s working, Grunkle Ford!

FORD: Excellent. I’ll be sure to send the congratulations to Fiddleford. With this new technology, we will be able to capture more of the paranormal than ever. Mabel, do you have the camera?

[Flash of white light. All four people yelp in pain.]

MABEL: Sure do, but does it have to be so bright?

STAN: Hey, if you need to stun a ghost, the flashier the better.

FORD: Let's hope we don't need to use it.

 

[PAN UP. A yellow moon sits heavy in the dusky black skies. Stars are faintly visible.]

 

FORD: Now, remember, unless you have my specially patented protective sunglasses on, NEVER look at a solar eclipse. You will go blind faster than you will if you see my brother in the shower.

[MABEL and DIPPER laugh over STAN’s words.]

STAN: Age before beauty, Sixer. I’ll have you know that this kid here, [camera shakes violently, few strands of dark hair fall over the screen, DIPPER makes noises of protests] tried to sneak up on me in the shower. Didn’t think I’d wear my suit, didja?

DIPPER: Those were in my young and innocent days, Grunkle Stan. I chase after real monsters now!

MABEL [looks up at Ford]: Grunkle Ford, did I tell you about the time Dipper set out a trap for Sasquatch and ended up catching Grunkle Stan?

[FORD restrains a laugh. His shoulders shake.]

STAN [grimacing]: Pumpkin, didja have to bring that up?

DIPPER [camera shakes, as if he is wincing]: We got him down. Eventually. We’re really sorry about that, Grunkle Stan.

STAN: Ah, s’okay. I needed the workout anyways.

FORD: Although my brother is hairy, my dear boy, I can attest that he is not a Sasquatch. A Sasquatch would _rinse his dishes after dinner_.

STAN: Funny, you’d think a Sasquatch _wouldn’t leave his books everywhere and complain when the wet ink smeared on the floor_.

 

[MABEL tugs at STAN’s blanket. It is gold, with green dollar bills and WORLD’S COOLEST MYSTERY MAN! embroidered on the edges.]

 

MABEL: Guuuuuuys, don’t fight! Dipper, isn’t the eclipse gonna happen soon?

 

[DIPPER’S watch appears on-screen. MCGUCKET LABS is faintly visible on the watchband. He taps the screen, and it lights up. The watch reads 8:25. A small animatic of the Earth plays, with the eclipse’s visible range spreading over the globe in light grey.]

 

DIPPER: Ten more minutes, sis.

FORD: This is a partial eclipse, where the Moon only partially blocks our view of the sun. The Moon’s orbit is elliptical – rather like the shape on your sweater, Mabel – and so is the Earth’s. When the Earth’s orbital plane crosses the Moon’s, we get eclipses. I wish I could have shown you Dimension 23’/! All of its systems were binary stars. They had the most wonderful eclipses. Stan, you would have loved their coliseums. The winner received a palace of sun gold.

STAN [laughing]: Why would I need gold, when I have you gremlins? [Affectionately ruffles Dipper’s hair.] That’s more than I’ve ever learned in elementary school, Sixer. We should put you on a TV show so you can spread the nerd to others.

[FORD smiles. MABEL awws and punches her brother’s arm.]

MABEL: Look, Dipper! The hedgehogs are bonding!

DIPPER: Hedgehogs?

STAN: That reminds me, Ford, we gotta stop by Vancouver sometime and bring the kids some hedgehogs. Think Fiddleford will let us use the teleporter?

DIPPER [aside to his sister]: Seriously, Mabel, why hedgehogs?

MABEL: They’re old, and kinda grumpy and prickly, [she squishes her palms together], but they’re so cute!

FORD [pinching the bridge of his nose]: Stan. Hazelnut filled milk chocolate hedgehogs. Sold in packs of twelve.

DIPPER [laughing]: You might not want to say anymore, Grunkle Ford. I can hear Mabel’s blood glucose spiking.

MABEL: Too late! Did I hear diabetes-inducing goodness?

STAN: You sure did, sweetie. Your grunkles will… ah, pay a visit, don’t you worry. [MABEL frowns and crosses her arms. The camera jostles, as STAN’s hands repeatedly clip into view.] And we’ll pay! I’ve turned over a new leaf, I swear!

FORD: As my brother’s unofficial lawyer: yes, Mr. Stanley Pines has indeed turned over a new leaf. Sometimes, he even turns over several in the search for treasures for his beloved niblings.

STAN: You promised you wouldn’t tell them!

FORD [grinning]: I said I wouldn’t give them the details.

DIPPER: Oh no, Grunkle Stan. Are we going to find out that we’re your favorite niblings?

STAN [pointing up]: We’ll quibble later. For now… that’s one hell of a sight.

 

[Camera pans up. A sphere of darkness slowly inches across the golden orb hanging in the sky. A pale corona surrounds the encroaching darkness. It looks almost otherworldly, like two spirits collided together to form the taijitu of Taoist beliefs.]

 

STAN: Does anyone… feel that?

MABEL: A sense of awe?

FORD: A sense of smallness in an infinite multiverse?

DIPPER: Everything all right, Grunkle Stan?

STAN [clears his throat]: Probably just my old bones acting up.

 

[Boat begins to shake.]

 

FORD [unholsters ray gun]: It's not just your bones! Everyone grab onto the floor!

[MABEL and FORD begin to slide towards the boat’s railing. STAN catches FORD by the neck of his lifejacket.]

DIPPER: What’s happening? [Watch appears: screen is shaking badly. Red lights and alarms are blaring.] The watch is picking up paranormal – Grunkle Ford! I think there might be a kraken nearby!

[Water sloshes over the deck, soaking DIPPER and STAN.]

STAN: It’s not a kraken, kiddo. We’ve seen those before! [STAN suddenly grips DIPPER tightly.] No. I – no, this isn’t happening!

FORD [reaching over to his brother, Mabel clinging to his arm]: Stanley! What’s wrong? It’s not a stroke – it’s not Cipher, is it?

 

[Camera catches sight of the bats flying out of the eclipse.]

 

MABEL: It’s pure chaos!

 

[Screen blanks out.]

 

* * *

UNKNOWN [staticky]: HP VVLP

UNKNOWN: NFDE PL

UNKNOWN: RKW HNLOE WLE

* * *

 

[View returns. Camera is pressed into weathered cobblestones overgrown with lichen. Can see the granite plinth of two statues: both of are knights mounted on horses, with halberds in their raised right arms. Up a series of massive steps stands a rundown castle.]

 

DIPPER: Aw man, that really hurt…

FORD: Is everyone all right?

MABEL [coughing]: That was worse than Smile Dip…

STAN: Oh. Oh. Hot Belgian Waffles. No, no, this isn’t right…

FORD [scuffling of grass against jeans]: Stanley! Stanley! It’s all right. Cipher’s gone, and if he isn’t gone, we’ll defeat him together!

MABEL: Yeah! We beat him once, and we–

STAN [coughing]: S’not Bill, sweetie. It’s… that damn castle… those stupid bats – go away! I don’t want anything to do with you!

DIPPER: Grunkle Ford? Did you ever hear anything about a castle with a lot of bats flying around it?

FORD [unhappily]: Of all the things I’ve seen and heard, this is the one I wish was not true.

MABEL: That castle has things that want to kill us, doesn’t it.

FORD: Worse. That is Dracula’s castle.

DIPPER: Dracula? You mean, Vlad the Impaler? [Scrambles over to STAN's side.] Here, Grunkle Stan, take my jacket, you look cold.

FORD: Yes. Long ago, after the man was twisted into a monster and ravaged Central Europe, there were families who kept fighting against him. The Belmont clan is the most famous, though there were many others. They eventually managed to defeat Dracula. Dracula’s castle was sealed away in a solar eclipse.

MABEL: You mean… we’re stuck in a solar eclipse?

FORD: Yes.

STAN: With a homicidal maniac in that castle.

FORD: Probably.

DIPPER: Well, shi–

MABEL [claps hands over his mouth, jostles camera]: Language!

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus points to whoever decodes these messages. It's a little hint to the rest of the story.


	2. Skeleton Key

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> STAN IS NOT WHAT HE SEEMS

###  **ACRYLIC PINE-TREE SHAPED USB KEY: LABELED “PARA-VII-MTDM FILES”, ENCRYPTED**

Name & Extension: “00-00-00_MT2_CASTLEVANIA_EN_21.mp4”

Size: 2.3 Mb on USB-PINE TREE II (2.3 Mb out of 100 Tb)

Created: Unknown

* * *

  **TRANSCRIPT OF VIDEO  
**

[Camera pans around FORD, STAN and MABEL. All look shaken, but otherwise unhurt. MABEL is busy writing in her journal. FORD is checking his weapons. STAN is drinking from a flask 10 meters away, underneath the knight statue. Pan over the castle: a massive mix of Gothic towers and stained glass windows that casts a foreboding shadow over the stairs to its great wooden doors. Faint whispers can be heard. There is the occasional clink of bones. The moon still shines down on the quartet.]

 

DIPPER [moving camera so he is in frame]: This is Mystery Twins squared – me, Mabel, Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford. We are apparently trapped in an eclipse with Dracula’s Castle. Everyone is so far is uninjured. We don’t have any signal, so there’s no help coming from outside. And there’s all these strange noises around. Welp! This looks like a job for the Mystery Twins squared!

FORD: My dear girl, how’s that inventory coming along?

MABEL [holds up journal]: Pretty good! [She flips through the pages.] We don’t have a lot of food though…

STAN: Ah, food, schmood. Old castles like this always have holy places with offerings. We’ll find something here if we really need it.

DIPPER: Grunkle Stan, how do you know that?

FORD: I’d like to know as well, Stanley.

STAN [caps flask]: Spent a few years on the run. The rule is generally ‘take something, leave something.’

MABEL: Yeah, but is it like alchemy? Do we hafta use equivalent exchange?

DIPPER [shaking head]: She’s been into alchemy these days. [MABEL shakes her backpack. It audibly clunks.] Holy cow, Mabel! Did you bring your rock collection?

MABEL: Don’t knock it, bro bro. We’ve seen weirder things.

DIPPER: It’s not scientific!

FORD [looking a bit guilty]: To be fair, Dipper, you did use one of my spells to raise the dead. That technically is not scientific.

DIPPER: But you did multiple trials, you tested your results, and your P-values are significant! Alchemy, on the other hand, has never been proven to work in any–

STAN: Leave it, kiddo. Who knows? With big mystical places like this, we might need magical stones or something. And no, I don’t think it’s equivalent exchange. I left pesos, and never had spirits running after my ass.

DIPPER [grumbling to himself]: Absence of evidence is not proof of existence.

FORD: About that. [He picks his journal out of his pocket.] Since we are now in Europe–

DIPPER, MABEL, STAN: Europe?

DIPPER: How on Earth did we get here?

FORD: Technically, how in the Solar Eclipse, and magic. May I continue?

MABEL: Sorry, Grunkle Ford.

FORD: As we are now in Europe, different weirdness is in play here. What was effective in Gravity Falls may no longer be effective here. Since the Dracula mythology is heavily interwoven with Catholic religion, we should construct appropriate weapons.

MABEL: Ooh, like whip-swords and stakes?

DIPPER: Sis, I’m pretty sure your grappling hook counts as a whip-sword

STAN: We can never just punch the monsters, can we Sixer?

FORD [scratches head]: Technically, you could, but your knuckles will thank you if you don’t. [FORD picks out a pen from his jacket.] Does anyone have vials, glasses, anything that could hold holy water?

MABEL [rummaging through her backpack. Makes an “a-ha!” noise, and dumps glitter onto the cobblestones from a set of small glass vials. She holds them out]: Will this do?

FORD: Perfect! [He takes the vials.] I just need to wash these out, find a source of running water, recite the blessings, and we’ll have holy water! Best defense against vampires. We can find some wood, and we’ll have crosses and stakes in addition to–

STAN [shaking his head, smiling fondly]: Ma’s wind-milling in heaven, Sixer.

FORD: Yes, well, I found multiple religions helpful during my travels. [Scrubbing glitter from the vials with his gloves.] I’ll lay a stone on her grave later.

[Creaking bones suddenly approach.]

DIPPER: That’s… the sound of a bad time, right there.

 

[Camera pans around. The Mystery Twins Squared are surrounded by skeletons: some flying with leathery bat wings and leveling long spears at STAN and MABEL. Their long skeletal tails flutter. Others are more human. They wear blue helmets and pauldrons and are climbing out of the ground, pointing swords and shields at FORD and DIPPER. Camera focuses on the castle doors. A horde of skeletons tromps down the castle stairs, all armed with swords.]

MABEL [unleashes the grappling hook]: Heads up, Dipper! GRAPPLING HOOK!

[Grappling hook shoots towards DIPPER. He ducks. The camera turns around, catching the grappling hook as it snags the collarbone of the winged skeleton leering over DIPPER’s shoulder.]

DIPPER: *screams*

 

[Camera hits the ground. Grappling hook whizzes as the line is pulled back.]

MABEL: AHHH! It’s coming towards me! I didn’t think this through!

STAN [boots pound on the cobblestones. Sound of metal hitting bone.]: GET AWAY FROM THEM! [STAN rushes towards MABEL and punches the skeleton away. A shriek. The wings disappear and the bones clatter to ground.] SIXER! [More bones clatter to the ground. They hiss as they turn into dust.]

FORD: Thank you, Stanley! Mabel, Dipper, behind us! [FORD draws his primary gun. Sounds of plasma pistol firing. Bones hiss as they vaporize. Sneakers skid across the cobblestones.] Get back, you monsters! You’re no match for my gun!

[Shrink ray turned on, barely audible over the sound of plasma fire. Sounds of bones being crushed underfoot.]

DIPPER: Ha, take that – OH GOD IT’S ON ME OH GOD THAT TICKLES!

MABEL: Take this! [More bones crumple.]

DIPPER: Thanks, sis!

 

[Battle continues. At some point, STAN takes out a gun and begins shooting the skeletons with ordinary bullets.]

MABEL: Grunkle Stan, that’s not working. These guys have too much empty space in their chests. They’re heartless, I tell you!

STAN [grumbling]: Go figure. Well, back to the old one-two!

 

[The last skeletons crumble into dust. FORD, MABEL and DIPPER drop into a pile, all exhausted.]

FORD: Ow! Ow! Hot! Sweet gobblewonker pyloric caeca! [Pistol clatters against cobblestones] Well, I won’t be using that until the heat sinks cool down. Is everyone all right?

STAN: Don’t know about you, but I could go another round. Damn it, they got away with my knuckles… where are they…

DIPPER [panting]: Whew… we made it… and some of them even left spears!

MABEL: Here, Grunkle Ford, use these bandages to protect your hand!

FORD: Thank you, dear girl. [Metal clicks against the cobblestones.] Drat. Already down to 60% charge… if there’s more of them, I’ll have to save my shots. We need to get started on those holy weapons pronto.

DIPPER: Those skeleton guys left some behind.

MABEL [begins crawling over]: Here, Dip-Dip, you should take one. You need a ranged weapon–

FORD [panicked]: Sweetie, no! There’s still one lef–

[Winged skeleton swoops down towards Mabel, the spear in its bony hand leveled at her head.]

STAN: GET AWAY FROM HER!

 **END OF VIDEO**  

 

###  **JOURNAL 12, PAGE 21:**

#### ANOMALY #F-1 / SOUL ORB AND THE POWER OF DOMINATION

_Drawing of Stanley Pines, shoulders back and floating slightly, as a glowing red orb enters his chest._

The longer we stay, the more I wish to leave. There is something poisonous about Dracula’s castle, and I fear it has infected Lee. After he destroyed the anomaly I have decided to call the Winged Skeleton, a bright red orb flew out of the disassembled beast. Orange sparks trailed in its wake.

I have given Lee a full physical, and he seems to be in perfect health. Better, even, after absorbing the orb. From what he is willing to tell me, Lee can feel the monster’s “soul” inside him. When he commands it, he can summon a facet of the beast’s powers. He calls it the “power of domination.”

_Image of Stanley summoning a spear over his shoulder._

I fear that the more Lee absorbs from these beasts, the more danger he will face. He has absorbed two more souls from the Winged Skeletons. But it is an excellent weapon against the monsters that still chase us. I trust that he knows best.

And perhaps it will be our key to escaping this eclipse.

 

###  **JOURNAL 12, PAGE 23:**

#### ANOMALY #21 / Winged Skeleton

_A skeleton that has been given wings of bone._

_Small sketch of the winged skeleton. Particular attention was paid to the bull horns curving up from its parietal bones and the bovine-like premaxilla, maxilla and frontal bones. A sketch of the wing decorates the space right next to the title._

This horrible creature almost killed Yildun, while my gun was still cooling off. I don’t want to imagine what would have happened if Lee wasn’t here. I cannot be that careless again!

Strange forces animate these creatures, nothing like the ones we encountered in the Arctic or South America. They do not appear to be voodoo, or zombies, or holograms manned by angry spirits. Their locomotion violates all known rules of physics (at least, in this dimension.) They stink of Bill’s dimension, but not quite. The smell is not the same. I would suspect the winged skeleton comes from a similar location.

They arise from the castle, when we are not looking, and seem to respawn. We have relocated to the shelter of a chapel on the castle grounds. Here, they do not bother us. Could they be weak to holy power? 

> [In red pen, hastily written]: Yildun’s rosaries work!
> 
> [In red pen, smaller writing]: Kochab is getting disturbingly good at crushing skeletons underfoot.

_Small sketch of sneakers crushing a tiny skeleton._

[Caption: Zmw gszg'h uli sfigrmt Nzyvo!]

> [Translated from a symbol substitution encryption underneath the skull]: SOUL POWER: Throws spears??

 

###  **???? - MABEL’S DIARY, PAGE 34 - 40**

#### MABEL’S WONDERFUL INVENTORY OF MAGIC

MABEL “HEART THROB” PINES

  * Pink hardcover journal with six pockets (1)
  * Polaroid camera, courtesy of MCGUCKET Labs (1)
  * Phone charger with adaptor (2)
  * Baggie of unicorn hair (1)
  * Sparkly purple gel pen (1)
  * Black fountain pen (1)
  * Life jacket (1)
  * Personal care kit in backpack 
    * Nail polish [silver, gold, pink]
    * Q-tips (25)
    * Tampons [Dipper, stop making ew faces!] (10)
    * Cotton pads (20)
    * Polysporin, 200 mL tube (1)
    * Hydrocortisone, 50 mL container (1)
    * Aspirin (10 pills) [Bro bro, I swear, I’m not a drug dealer. These are for Shark Week!]
    * Tylenol (10 pills)
    * Loratadine anti-allergy pills (pack of 20)
    * Kleenex (pack of 40)
    * Gauze [60 m]
    * ACE bandages (15 m)
    * Medical tape (15 m)
    * Bandages of assorted sizes (20)
    * Wax for braces (50 g)
    * Assorted sparkly hair ties (10)
    * Extra-strength, ultra-thin PINES patented grappling hook rope (60 m)
    * SD cards in green case labeled “For my bro-bro” (6)
    * Shooting star shaped USB KEY (1)
    * Hershey’s Cookie and Cream chocolate (4 bars)
    * Cookies shaped like pigs (20)
    * Scrap origami paper (100 sheets)
    * Gold spray paint (1 canister, half full)
  * Ball of scarlet alpaca wool (3)
  * Jewelry pliers (1)
  * Knitting needles, 14 mm, 20 inches long (2) [Mabel, sweetie, these are weapons on their own]
  * Mabel Juice, extra-strength (600 mL)
  * Water bottles (4 x 700 mL)
  * Cellphone (1)
  * Pouch of assorted gemstones (sapphire, quartz, amethyst, lots of moonstone, too many to count)
  * Vials of glitter (10)
  * A bunch of gemstone beads
  * Silver eye hooks, pins, and rings



> EQUIPPED
> 
> WEAPON: Grappling hook
> 
> ARMOR: Blue-black sweater with full moon on the front
> 
> ACCESSORY: Pink headband!

 

DIPPER “TOO COOL FOR MY FIRST NAME” PINES

  * MCGUCKET Labs video camera (3)
  * 1 flip notebook (9” x 11”, 200 pages)
  * Retractable ballpoint pens (blue ink, 3; black ink, 4; not chewed up: 0) [Don’t worry bro-bro, I got more in my bag for you!]
  * Magnifying/shrinking flashlight (1)
  * Cellphone (1)
  * Case of memory cards and USB keys
  * Laptop (1)
  * Star maps (1)
  * Magnifying glass (1)
  * Cartridges of invisible, heat-sensitive ink (3)
  * Emergency kit (1)
  * Life jacket (1)
  * Messenger bag (1)
  * Neodymium magnet shaped like a fez, kept in protective case (1)



> EQUIPPED:
> 
> WEAPON: Silver dagger + squeeing [I don’t scream that loudly!]
> 
> ARMOR: Thin rainjacket [He’s shivering. I should knit him a skirt!]
> 
> ACCESSORY: Blue cap with a pine tree on the front

 

GRUNKLE STANLEY “GOLDEN” PINES

  * Brass knuckles, slightly dented (4 sets)
  * Heckler & Koch P30 (60 bullets)



                         [Why does Grunkle Stan have a gun?]

                         [Sweetie, no Kraken’s immune to bullets]

  * Life jacket (1)
  * $100 in USD
  * Pack of jerky (500 g)
  * Pack of peanuts (200 g)
  * Prozac (9 pills)
  * Flask of vodka – tastes disgusting! [My dear girl, you really shouldn’t drink this until you’re a bit older.]
  * Red beanie (1)
  * Rebreather (1)
  * Pocketbook of family photos (1)
  * Lighter (2)
  * Cigars (4)
  * Warm woolen blanket (1)



> EQUIPPED
> 
> WEAPON: Brass knuckles
> 
> ARMOR: Leather jacket, white sweater
> 
> ACCESSORY: Gold chain
> 
> SOUL?: Winged skeleton

 

GRUNKLE STANFORD “SCIENCE GUY” PINES

  * Ray gun (1)       [Technically, it’s an atomizer that releases hot jets of plasma. Heat sink within 90% of safe operating zone, give or take 2%]
  * Hardcover leather journal, with brass cutout of six-fingered hand on the front, 500 pages left (1)
  * Black fountain pens (5)
  * Life jacket (1)
  * Rebreather (1)
  * Bic Ballpoint pens (10)
  * Eslicarbazepine (60 pills) [split between the four of us just in case]
  * ~~Pharmaceutical hemostatic histogenetic~~
  * Aerosol med-kit (4 sprays)
  * Toffee Peanuts (3 packs)
  * 2 pairs of glasses (one for Grunkle Stan, and one for himself!)
  * Supernatural sensing equipment (5… I think?)
  * Flask of something he won’t let me drink (1)
  * Trench coat with too many pockets (1) [He’s just like Hagrid!]
  * He’s still pulling stuff out of his pockets
  * He’s still pulling stuff out of his
  * Let’s just assume he has a pocket universe there



> EQUIPPED:
> 
> WEAPON: Plasma pistol [This one is more effective on the monsters we face. 60% of battery still remains]
> 
> ARMOR: Red sweater and long tan trench coat, with an actual armory probably stored inside
> 
> ACCESSORY: Locket: on one side, picture of the Mystery Shack crew. On the other, a picture of the two Grunkles as kids. Awww <3

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yildun: Mabel  
> Kochab: Dipper
> 
> Atbash.
> 
> This story is written like Dracula, in epistolary format. If you like it, I'd suggest reading demonfox38's "Dedication" fic, also set in the Castlevania-verse.


	3. Soul Keeper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 10-9-1 12-19-4'5 5-19-19 1-16-15-21-16 8-15-10-19-5 5-3-6-2-15-2-19-5

###  **CIGAR SHAPED RECORDING DEVICE – 1 OUT OF 2**

Romeo y Julieta, 7" by 47 ring gauge cigar. Slides into a .995 fine silver casing. A series of tiny buttons on the sides allows the user to control recording. The gold band around the top can slide off, revealing a small screen. The tip has slow-burning hemp. Contains no tobacco. A series of small tubes allows the user to alter the speed at which the smoke exits, to give the impression of smoking.

Recording: 20:00:13 min

* * *

  **TRANSCRIPT**

STAN: Sweet Paul Bunyan. We are so fucked.

[Hiss of smoke.]

They’re finally asleep. I’m on guard until… until Sixer’s ready. Poindexter didn’t notice it – too pumped up protecting the kids – but one of those bones got him good. Clean entry wound, clean exit wound. He sprayed summa his magic stuff, and he’s good as new.

The kids were tired, so we holed up in this safe room outside of the castle. Sixer says there’s no rush. Time doesn’t really matter near large anomalies. It slows to a creep when the anomaly’s big enough. Accordin’ ta ‘im, that’s how the dinos survived in all that amber. We’ll get out when we find a weakness in this here anomaly.

They’re sleeping at the foot of a statue of the Virgin Mary. She’s got a fire going in her hands. It looks like it could protect someone. God, I hope it protects Ford and the kids. I don’t care what happens to me just as long as they’re safe.

[Jacket rumpling against a loose pile of rubble. Stones scatter onto the floor.]

FORD: Mmmf?

STAN: Sorry, Sixer. Just getting comfortable. Don’t wake the kids. You make a great pillow.

FORD: If yah’say so…

 

[Loud snoring starts. Brush of hair against stone, as if STAN is shaking his head.]

STAN: Don’t know why there’s a chapel in this shithole. Maybe it’s an anchor. Yeah, this place is born of chaos – all good monster homes are – but an anchor’d keep it sticking to our world. Prisons have places like this. Little alcoves, statues of saints tucked into the walls, prayers painted on the walls. You don’ know how much time passes when you’re packed into a cell. Those chapels keep you grounded. Hell if I know why a vampire would want Mother Mary glaring at him.

[on the limits of recording range] You can stop now. I was born Jewish. _A-sher na-tan la-nu toh-raht e-met, v’cha-yay o-lahm na-ta b’toe-chay-nu,_ and all that - God, it’s been a long time. Grandma would be pullin’ my ear.

[clearer] If only Catholic stuff is going to work here… Good thing Sixer knows his blessings! Doubt “ _¡Chinga tu madre, cabrón!”_ will help us. Uh, I don’t actually know if that’s a blessing. Probably best not to say it out loud. Mary’s giving me enough of a stink eye as it is. Reminds me of Vladimir’s icons…

[Hiss of burning paper.]

Should really thank McGucket for hooking me up. Man knows what it feels like to need some time on your own. Glad he’s keeping his trap shut… don’ want Ford to know.

Yeah, I know. I can talk to Ford. I can talk to the kids. I’ve got Prozac if I need it. I… [hiss of static] I don’t want to. It’s crazy enough when I think about it. These damn voices don’t help. The castle’s a noisy fucker. I’ll let it stew around, sort out my thoughts, then I’ll get talking.

[Sad sigh.]

Once a conman, always a conman.

[Burning hiss of paper. Heavy steps. Deathly groaning. Whoosh of a spear.]

Fuck off, ugly. This sanctuary ain’t for monsters.

[Bones crumble into ash. A small whoosh, like iron filings drawn to a magnet.]

Then again, why am I here?

No. I’ve been over this before. ‘M a man, not a monster.

[Rumpling fabric. STAN draws his jacket tighter over his shoulders.]

I told Dipper to stay away from the supernatural. This is why. Fuck around with the wrong people, and you get seven hundred curses on your ass. There’s always somebody with the wrong amount of dumb and stick up their ass. Those stairs in the middle of the wood? Sure, could be from an old house. Could be a serial killer’s trap. Or it could be a fuckin’ demon trying to send ya to Hell.

[Lighter flicks on and off.]

My memory came back way too quickly. I’m a dino now. Back in the seventies, got conked ovah the head. Took a week for stuff to come back. I think there’s a little more Bill in me than there should be. Which, just so ya know, should be _nada_.

Called it “the power to dominate.” Sounded fancy, made pumpkin’s eyes light up, Dipper looked happier. It makes it sound like I’m in control. Things like Bill, they’ve always got a lead intah yah mind. Sixer says it was pure flattery. I don’ doubt it. But buddy-boy there, Bill tore him outta his body afta they made a deal. That’s nevah in tha deal. Wonder if that’s going on here. Never had it happen ta me, but some of the people I ran with… wouldn’t be surprised. God, I hope nobody tries ta kick the kids outta their bodies. I don’t wanna… I don’ wanna risk it. I can’t… I can’t…

 

[Hiss of smoke]

Fuck, could use an actual cig. Or a drink. Brought my gun, if it comes to that. It’s always bad when the Joisey accent comes back.

But I don’t wanna make Mabel and Dipper sad. I’ve hurt enough people. I won’t hurt them too.

[Voice is clearer. Recorded has been brought closer to lips.]

Wouldn’t be saying this if they weren’t fast asleep. I know howta spot a liar.

Shit. Should’ve brought silver-tipped bullets from the cabin. This place is tainted. I've seen too many places like it before - old houses, drug caches, jails. Always something fucky about them. Usually an angry spirit or two, that I can deal with. But Dracula? The fucking vampire lord himself? Outta my league. Ah well. Dipper’s got a good eye. Maybe he’ll spot some silver ore. Sixer’ll rig something up, and then we’ll be a bit safer if a werewolf comes calling. Most spirits, too. Wonder if Mabel’s got spirit blue paint. We’ve drawn the unicorn hair thingy around this sanctuary - damn, we should've gotten unicorn blood as well. Never hurts to cover yah bases.

Heh. Dipper’d never think I know this much. But I do. You don’t survive on the run by being dumb. 'Specially when you've been beat half to death like me.

[Fabric ruffles, as STAN places his hand over his heart.]

So warm. Like a good buzz. Think I’m still in control. Got five of these souls now. Zombie, Zombie Soldier, Bat, Skeleton and that Winged Skeleton. Can’t really say how they feel, but I know – I just gotta pick one out, and then it’s there in the palm of my hand, and I’ve got a bit of monster in my control.

Think I can hold a couple’ these atta time. Right now, playing around with the Zombie and the Skeleton. Zombie is… eh. Don't know what it does yet, but once I get a hold of Sixer's liquor, I'll know for sure. Skeleton though, that's much more useful. I’ll tell Sixer later, for his notes. The poindexter will cook up some genius, and we’ll be outta here.

[Long, regretful sigh.]

I always wanted ta be somebody special. Now… guess I am. Never ran into anybody who stole souls. Even the Impa Shilup that scared Sixer… really, that thing wanted to help you by eating your sadness. I guess, at some point, you’re nothing but your sadness.

The souls keep talking to me. That’s how I tell’em apart. The Zombie Soldier… man, it just wasn’t fair. American boy. Not older than 20. Signed up for his country. Ready to die for her. Could’ve been his dad. Think his name was Dan. He died screaming as the dead dragged ‘im down. Horrible way ta go.

I’m a good liar. Keep telling him, “ _you’re safe now, kiddo, I’ve gotcha back and I’m not letting go._ ” He seems to be okay with that. Lets me pull out a grenade from time to time. Boy, that’s come in handy. But I want ‘im to be okay. I don’t want his soul. I want everybody ta be okay.

[Distant crackle of fire.]

Made too much noise. Sixer’ll be up soon. This is Stan Pines… and if it’s the last thing I do, I’ll get my brother and the kids home.

* * *

  **END RECORDING. DELETE?**

 

###  **DIPPER’S NOTEBOOK: PAGE 42**

Cardboard cover, with silver lining. Enamel pine tree decorates the front. On the back cover, many signatures and the inscription: “Happy birthday! With love, Gravity Falls.”

* * *

ENTRY: PERS_OHANA_STAN, DATE UNKNOWN

Stan isn’t as good a liar as he thinks. But I won’t tell him that. If it makes him feel better…

Hang in there, Grunkle Stan. We’re gonna help you. That’s what family does.

 

 

###  **JOURNAL 12, PAGE 24-25**

#### ANOMALY #2-D / Skeleton

 _A magically animated human skeleton_.

_Picture of advancing skeleton, wielding a bone above its head._

Paranormal sensors begin to overload upon the approach of this creature. The only thing keeping it together is not dried sinew, which would not withstand the abuse these old bones undergo. It is actually a form of necromancy very similar to the raise-the-dead spell.

These monsters attack by throwing bones created from thin air. They can only draw on a limited pool of bones. After a while, they will throw their skull. Kochab has become quite good at crushing skulls.

> [In red pen, next to a sketch of an angry Dipper stomping on a skull]: This is more violent than it looks!
> 
> [Translated from a symbol substitution encryption: I have developed a new organization system. Let’s see how it goes.]

These creatures are fairly weak. Two good blows to the thoracic cavity will disassemble them. The head is much weaker: I hypothesize the control center lies within the empty skull. Lee is understandably hesitant to precisely strike these monsters for my research. Yildun is far more willing, but the grappling hook is not quite as effective as Lee’s fists. Kochab’s silver dagger is… incredibly underwhelming, but he has gotten us the farthest. We have had to treat him for several bites, but he will recover. 

> [Translated from a number substitution encryption: It’s not because of a lack of effort. That boy will go far.]

NOTE: Mabel Juice is an incredible cure for… skeleton bites. Everything is possible through the power of Yildun. Or this castle might not follow any known laws of science. At least, in this dimension.

> WEAKNESS: Probably holy. Hit it with a rosary and see what happens.
> 
> [Mabel’s handwriting, with a small drawing of a wolf pawprint nearby: _Become Amaterasu for the day! It’s so fun! And it works!_ ]
> 
> [In invisible ink: Soul power: bone throw. Exactly as it sounds.]

 

 

### JOURNAL 12, PAGE 26

#### ANOMALY #3-S / Zombie

 _A rotting corpse animated by magic_.

 _Picture of a rotting body, arm outstretched in a grab, and the bloody sludge trail left in its wake_.

> [In red ink: the blood is self-cleaning! Does Dracula have a Home Owner’s Association?]

Able to appear from bare patches of ground, seemingly violating the Principle of Conservation of Mass. (Then again, so does Yildun.) These zombies are very similar to the ones found in Gravity Falls. However, their skin is a sicklier turquoise green, and they are much quieter.

> [In black ink: Do they want brains? Don’t get bitten!]

Will swipe at you, but make no move to bite. It seems their only purpose is to lounge around the castle. We encountered hordes while entering the castle.

_Sketch of the Castle Corridor. A long wall, with the occasional rampart. Pine trees poke above the merlons. The moon hangs in the background, heavy and full, tinted pink. Light purple clouds dance over the moon’s face._

Their soul is a bright golden color when released. It feels very comforting… like the smell of the sea and the lavender sheets of the Stan O'War II bedroom…

Lee informs me these souls are entirely different. He calls it an “enchantment soul”, unlike the Winged Skeleton “bullet soul.” It seems every soul he gains grants him a new power. We will have to do more research, to make sure no soul can control him. In the meantime, Kochab is creating a containment device, and Yildun is creating another rosary. If worse comes to worse, we will exorcise the invader from my brother’s body.

> WEAKNESS: ~~Knife~~ ~~Holy~~ Nonsense! Holy and Knife!
> 
> [Caption in black ink, over a Polaroid of Dipper swiping at the zombie: Look at him go!]

 

 

###  **JOURNAL 12, PAGE 26**

#### ANOMALY #13-D / Zombie Soldier

 _Animated corpse of a soldier who marched to his death 15 years ago_.

_Picture of a soldier, hunched over, rifle still on his back, holding a combat knife in shaky hands._

Caption beneath picture: Lee claims these soldiers fought Dracula himself, and lost. Extremely unnerving.

Horrifying. The corpses of young men and women, all dressed in dark green camouflage fatigues. Stagger forward with combat knives held aloft. If approached, the zombie soldier will slash wildly. Lee was badly injured for a few moments, but the wounds rapidly healed.

> [Translated from a substitution cipher: What is the castle doing to my brother?]

Have been useless for far too long. Must conserve guns until we face greater foes - according to Lee further in the castle. If we are to escape, we must press deeper in. All chaotic beings originate from a source. Nigh

Currently possess a combat knife, taken from one of these soldiers, and a spear from outside. Yildun and Kochab are experimenting with alchemy. They hope to turn the lead we have found into silver. So far, no success, although they have created a number of very interesting lead salts.

Zombie soldiers are significantly harder to defeat. We relied on Lee and his spears, until Lee began to slow down, claiming extreme fatigue. Kochab finished off the soldiers we encountered with his knife. Yildun's rosary was also very effective until it broke.

These bodies do not decompose into flame after death. Yildun has collected flowers and herbs from the castle’s exterior. She lays them upon the chests of the fallen. I can only hope this will free them from this terrible fate.

> [In red ink: Yes, it does! The bodies eventually disappear, leaving only the flowers behind!]

_Drawing of Mabel, eyes closed, smiling gently, holding a bouquet of flowers_.

Caption: Vkh kdv d khduw ri jrog.

> Weakness: Holy and Sword
> 
> [In invisible ink: Soul power: throw a grenade]
> 
> [In tiny writing, translated from Hebrew: May they find peace.]

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7-19-22 21-26-9-7-19-22-9 2-12-6 20-12, 7-19-22 8-7-9-12-13-20-22-9 18 20-9-12-4.
> 
> Julius A Numerals  
> Numerals A  
>    
> "¡Chinga tu madre, cabrón!" is definitely not a prayer, and will get you an ass-kicking at best.
> 
> Also, I will love you forever if you draw Mabel with Amaterasu's weapons.


	4. Sev'ral Timez

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This castle is rated PG-13, except when it isn't.

### ACRYLIC PINE-TREE SHAPED USB KEY: LABELED “PARA-VII-MTDM FILES”, ENCRYPTED

#### Name & Extension: “00-00-00_MT2_CASTLEVANIA_REL_256.mp4”

Size: 7.77 Mb on USB-PINE TREE II (7.77 Mb out of 100 Tb)

Created: Unknown

* * *

 Transcript of Video

* * *

 

[Pan camera, over long granite slabs slick with moss. It jitters, as if the arm holding it is badly shaking. Water gushes out of skull-shaped fountainheads, pouring into a vast lake surrounding the MYSTERY TWINS SQUARED. Flames flicker out of frame, held in twisted serpentine marble braziers. STAN is pacing back and forth, holding a massive pump-action shotgun. It has a very hand-made look: hammer and burn marks are visible on its barrel. Leather plate armor covers his massive shoulders. DIPPER has his dagger dangling from his belt. MABEL is busy knitting with a massive ball of alpaca yarn. FORD is sitting with his boots dipping into the water, scribbling away in his journal. His pen squeaks over the pages.]

DIPPER [moving camera so he is in frame]: Welcome back to Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons, real life edition. This is Mystery Twins squared – me, Mabel, Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford. We’re debating how to cross this reservoir without soaking all of our equipment. I for one would like to not lose my data disks. I've already taken a dip - this stupid moss is really slick – and I'm freezing.

FORD [begins to shrug off his trenchcoat]: Here, boy, take this before you get hypothermia. We'll find something for me here.

DIPPER: Thanks, grunkle Ford, but you won't have armor otherwise. I think I'll wait for Mabel to knit me that sweater. Besides, I don't think I can lift your coat…

[FORD reluctantly puts his coat back on and continues to write.]

STAN: If you say, buddy-boy. [He flexes.] I'll train you up, and you'll be ready to wear plate armor like a pro in no time!

DIPPER: Anyways, it has been… oh, sixteen or so hours since we entered the eclipse, and I’m super hungry. The last safe room we found didn’t have food… so… I’m starting to wonder what battered merman would taste like. Maybe with a side of fries…

MABEL: They sure don’t look like Mermando!

FORD [muttering to himself, sliding further down the stone dock]: Fascinating! These mermen seem to be waterborne creatures, and yet they are able to shoot projectile flames–

STAN [conjuring a spear]: Watch it, Sixer!

[STAN throws the spear, killing a MERMAN in one strike. The spear continues on, nipping a TRITON’s side.]

MABEL: Jeez, one of those guys again? They’re worse than the Zoras!

[MABEL draws her grappling gun and shoots, hooking the TRITON out of its shell and out of the water. The camera shakes as DIPPER slashes the TRITON with his dagger. The TRITON shudders and begins to glow.]

DIPPER: Grunkle Stan, incoming!

[An orange ball of light flies out of the disintegrating TRITON. It fuses with STAN’s chest, who recoils and gasps slightly. Out of the dust falls a stack of potato pancakes.]

STAN: Huh. [Picks up the pancakes.] Ask, and ye shall receive.

FORD: Don’t eat that! [confiscates the pancakes] At least, not before I perform some tests. And perhaps draw these.

MABEL: They do smell really good…

[STAN grumbles something. It sounds a lot like, "so this damn place is trying to replace me already…"]

DIPPER: But not as good as your pancakes, Grunkle Stan! Except the hairy ones. We could do without the hair.

STAN: Ah, kiddo. Tell you what: when we get back, I’ll make you gremlins all the pancakes you want. I’ll even buy the bucket of sprinkles for you, pumpkin. We just need to find another shrine; we’ll get something there.

FORD: My boy, could I see your map again?

DIPPER: Sure, Grunkle Ford!

[The camera shakes – a notebook with a pine tree on the cover briefly appears. Ford sets the plate of potato pancakes on top of his journal and sits down once more. He carefully flips through the pages, more carefully than he would with his own journal.]

 

FORD: Your mapping skills are marvelous, Dipper. I can’t wait until we play Dungeons, Dungeons and more Dungeons again. This would make for the most interesting game.

MABEL: Aww, Dip-Dip’s blushing! [She ruffles DIPPER’s hair.]

DIPPER: Am not! Cut it out!

STAN: I got a feeling, Sixer. If ya let me go ahead–

FORD [waving his arms]: Absolutely not. We all venture forth, or no one will.

MABEL: Isn’t that how everybody dies in those bad horror movies? They split up and next thing you know, there’s zombies munching on your arm.

DIPPER: Thanks, Mabel, I didn’t want to sleep tonight.

[MABEL comes over and hugs DIPPER.]

MABEL: Don’t worry, Dip-Dip. You’ve got your knife now! No zombie’s gonna take a bite out of you.

FORD: And with my trusty gun, we’ll send them back to the world of the undead in no time! Now, I think I’ve figured out where we are. This corridor most likely leads to a long, subterranean waterway. The stairs behind us most likely is a maintenance tunnel for this underground reservoir. We should ascend the stairs we passed in order to penetrate the castle depths.

STAN: Any idea what that is?

[Camera pans to a gold stand shaped like a king from a chess set, materializing in front of the fountain. A dark grey orb glows in its depths.]

DIPPER: That’s anomaly number, uh, 256! Weird ominous black orb glowing on a golden stand! Can’t possibly be anything bad – Grunkle Stan, do you really need to shoot it?

FORD: It appears to be similar to the souls you collect from fallen foes, Stanley.

STAN: It’s black, poindexter. Nothing good ever popped outta black glowing orbs. Hell, nothing good ever comes outta cursed gold!

MABEL: I think it’s charcoal grey.

FORD: I’d say #3C3C3C, give or take a few shades.

DIPPER: It looks like Gremoblin sca–

STAN [waving his hands]: Okay, I get it! Problem is… do we break it, and find out what it does, or do we let some enemy get it?

DIPPER: We haven’t seen any enemies able to absorb these souls.

[FORD is busy sketching the pancakes on one page of the journal, and the SOUL-KEEPER relic on the other.]

FORD: Okay, I'm done! Reference in case we ever encounter one of these again. We are good for massive destruction.

MABEL [worried]: But Grunkle Stan can summon stuff like grenades. I don’t really wanna fight another Skeleton Archer. What if they shoot grenades? It’s like double the terror!

STAN: You make a good point, pumpkin. Everyone, cover your ears!

[The camera bobs as DIPPER, MABEL and FORD drop what they’re doing and cover their ears. STAN levels the shotgun at the SOUL-KEEPER and fires. The golden stand shatters into fine dust. The black orb shudders mid-air, then soars towards STAN. It connects with his chest and harmlessly melds into his skin.]

STAN: Wow. Haven’t felt like this since I did benni- uh, bench-pressing! Bench-pressing, yeah. Could lift the most outta all the guys in Jersey! [He flexes.] Shakey [clenches right hand], scratchy [clenches left], best pals a man could have!

[FORD looks sadly at STAN.]

STAN [mouthing]: _talk later_

 

[MABEL goes over to STAN and hugs his leg.]

MABEL: Are you feeling okay, Grunkle Stan? You know your pumpkin is always here to cheer you up, right?

STAN: Of course, chickadee. I’m feeling great! In fact… gimme a lil’ space, okay? I wanna try something. Sixer, scooch your butt over, I don’t wanna knock you into the water.

[FORD obligingly backs against the slick walls. STAN drops to the ground and back-dashes, upturning a wide swath of moss as he goes down the stairs. His back collides with the thick oaken door at the end of the corridor. FORD immediately runs over to his brother, almost tripping down the stairs as he goes.]

FORD: Stanley! Stanley! Are you all right?

STAN: Hell yeah! I feel thirty years younger! That Grave Keeper soul is a hell of a thing!

[STAN suddenly stops and clutches his chest.]

STAN: I… god, not feelin’ so good–

MABEL/DIPPER: Grunkle Stan! / FORD: Stanley!

DIPPER: Hang in there! [He ruffles through his bag.] Damn it, damn it, Mabel – we need atropine, or adrenaline!

[FORD shucks off his trenchcoat and wraps STAN in its thick folds.]

FORD: Damn it, Stanley, don’t you dare! Not now, not for the next decade – I just got you back!

[MABEL and DIPPER rush over. MABEL swings her grappling hook to hurry over – in her haste, she breaks open a torch holder. Instead of flames spreading over the slick ground, a small heart-shaped petal drifts from its embers and lands in the center of STAN’s chest.]

* * *

END OF RECORDING 

* * *

 

### JOURNAL 12, PAGE 29

#### HEARTS AND MAGIC POINTS

 

_Drawing of Stan, leaning against a wooden door with ornate silver hinges to support himself. His left hand is pressed to his chest. The life jacket peeps out of the space between the door and his back. Dipper rests his head on his grunkle’s lap. The camera lies discarded by his feet._

> [Translated from a substitution cipher: I need my brother more than words can say.]

_Ornate drawing of Mabel, with a simple cartoonish heart in her hands. A simple torch is set in a wallholder behind her._

Yet again, Yildun saves the day with the power of Yildun. It seems this castle has the power to grant supernatural powers to everyone. Or perhaps I am confusing correlation with causation. Whatever it may be, I thank every god out there that this wonderful girl exists.

Whatever it may be, it seems that destroying torches and sources of fire will give rise to these cartoonish, non-anatomically correct hearts. Lee’s abilities draw on his strength, and when they are exhausted, Lee is no longer able to summon his powers. These hearts, which arise from the ashes of extinguished flames, will restore his strength. Kochab has dubbed Lee’s limits “magic points”, similar to the abilities used by our DDnD characters. It makes sense. Magic is a form of energy, and energy can only be transformed. It is neither created nor destroyed.

> [Translated from a substitution cipher: Let me take my brother’s burden. He has suffered enough. Punish me. I deserve to take his burden for my sins.]

Still, that does not bode well for us. Our provisions are dwindling. Soon, we may be forced to eat the drops left by our vanquished enemies. I have scanned these potato pancakes with the equipment available to me. They seem to be perfectly edible, but I would rather not risk the lives and health of my family.

Lee says there are more chapels in this horrid place, in which we will certainly find food. I can only hope he is right.

 

### JOURNAL 12, PAGE 30

#### ABILITY SOUL

_Drawing of a black orb, on its ornate gold stand. The stand is carefully sketched, ink slightly smudged to give the appearance of glowing.  
_

This seems to be a relic of the castle’s power. I do not know how Lee came to know this soul’s name – the Grave Keeper, he called it – but I hope we never meet the beast to which it belongs.

These souls grant the sixty-year old codger I call my twin brother unforeseeable agility and stamina. But they come at a cost: they draw on his strength. I suspect that this is similar to Gravity Fall’s Inverse Law of Weirdness Attraction. My brother is an old man, and these powers were meant for an immortal monster. This must come at a price to him.

We have taken shelter in an ornate library. Kochab stands guard – Lee has shown him how to operate the shotgun. I have made upgrades to it, using the weapons scavenged from our fallen enemies. This should keep us safe while Lee fully recuperates his strength.

Still, this soul seems to have some use. It has allowed Lee to open up a passageway to this library. He slid through a passageway the naked eye could not perceive, on a seemingly non-descript stone wall.

The farther we go into this castle, the less scientific this journal becomes. But I cannot help it. I do not wish to press these burdens onto my niece and nephew. They have suffered enough – they think I do not see, but in sleep, they hold each other and whimper out names – that damnable Cipher, occasionally Gideon Gleeful, the names of demons who ran amok during Weirdmaggeddon – and I can only hold them close and hope that banishes the nightmares. I should have never gotten them involved. They are too young for these horrors, in a castle that ties the dead to the living and the soulless to a half-existence.

> [Transcribed from symbol cipher: Took more pills. Hands are shaking. This is not the time. My body cannot fail me. Even in non-existence, Cipher still has reign over my flesh.]

Yildun is very hungry. Perhaps it is time to try these pancakes.

 

 

### ???? - MABEL’S DIARY, PAGE 50 - 52

#### MABEL’S WONDERFUL INVENTORY OF MAGIC

 

MABEL “GODDESS OF DESTRUCTION” PINES

CHANGES TO INVENTORY

  * Gauze (50 m)
  * Water bottles (2 x 700 mL)
  * Cookies shaped like pigs (0)
  * Pouch of assorted gemstones (70)
  * Vials of glitter (3)
  * Fewer assorted pins and such



GAINED

  * Vials of holy water (7); Holy water bottles (2 x 700 mL)
  * Moonstone Rosary



EQUIPPED:

WEAPON: Moonstone Rosary

ARMOR: Blue-black sweater with full moon on the front

ACCESSORY: Pink headband!

 

DIPPER “SILVER LIGHTNING” PINES

GAINED

  * Potato pancakes (3), drop from the Triton [the burnt edges are the best part!] 
    * [Stanley, doesn’t this remind you of Ma’s latkes?]
    * [Yeah… it does, Sixer…]



EQUIPPED:

WEAPON: Silver dagger

ARMOR: Grunkle Ford’s leather jacket [How does this fit him better than the elven robes?]

ACCESSORY: Blue cap with a pine tree on the front

 

GRUNKLE STANLEY “ANGEL WITH A SHOTGUN” PINES

CHANGES TO INVENTORY:

  * Heckler & Koch P30 (30 bullets)
  * Prozac (8 pills)
  * Half-full flask of vodka – Grunkle Stan, if you’re feeling sad, please tell your pumpkin. Please? I'm not that old, and I'm not smart like Dipper or Grunkle Ford, but I can listen! And I'll try to understand… please… I don't want to see you sad.



EQUIPPED

WEAPON: Hole-y shotgun (+20 ATTACK): 60 silver-tipped pellets left

                              [Get it? Holy?]

                              [Who brought Mayor Cutebiker along? Aw, pumpkin, I was kidding!]

ARMOR: Leather plate [it really stinks. Shoulda brought soap.]

                              [It’s pig leather. Probably not kosher either.]

ACCESSORY: Gold chain

SOUL: Merman [Pew pew! He's firing his lasers!]

 

GRUNKLE STANFORD “HE WHO INVENTS COOL THINGS” PINES

CHANGES TO INVENTORY

  * Eslicarbazepine (58 pills) [split between the four of us just in case]
  * Aerosol med-kit (2 sprays)
  * Toffee Peanuts (2 packs)



EQUIPPED:

WEAPON: Broadsword, with silvered edge (+4 ATTACK)

ARMOR: Elfin robe [My ears! They’re so pointy!]

                           [Watch it, poindexter, you’re starting to look like a vampire]

                           [Why didn’t you want to wear it, Dipper?]

                           [Bad memories, Mabel, bad memories.]

ACCESSORY: Locket: on one side, picture of the Mystery Shack crew. On the other, a picture of the two Grunkles as kids. Grunkle Ford’s been holding this locket tightly.

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: that pig leather armor technically is kosher, depending on how strictly you follow the rules. Most interpretations only forbid consumption of porcine products, because pigs love sharing their diseases with humans (Trichinosis, I'm looking at you. Nasty, nasty thing.) But if you're just using the leather, you're more or less good.
> 
> There's also a XCOM reference in here!
> 
> This story will return after I deal with fatty acid biochemistry. Look for an update this Saturday or so!


	5. Old Bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boss battle time! Cue the theme music.

### ACRYLIC PINE-TREE SHAPED USB KEY: LABELED “PARA-VII-MTDM FILES”, ENCRYPTED

#### Name & Extension: “00-00-00_MT2_BOSS_CREAKING_SKULL.mp4”

Size: 1.32 Gb on USB-PINE TREE II (1.32 Gb out of 100 Tb)

Created: Unknown

* * *

Transcript of Video

* * *

 

[Camera focuses on DIPPER, MABEL, STAN and FORD standing in a long stone corridor. DIPPER has FORD’s trenchcoat wrapped around his shoulders, and a broadsword in his belt. FORD is wearing forest green elven robes, and has a slender rapier in one hand and his plasma pistol in the other. MABEL holds her rosary between her hands. The moonstones glow in the wan light. STAN has brass knuckles on his left hand and the shotgun ready to fire in his hands. Everybody looks hungry and tired.]

DIPPER: Welcome back to Dipper’s Guide to the Unexplained. Grunkle Stan says behind this door, [pan to an ornate door, glowing a faint blue, with rubies set in fractal patterns on the dark wood] lies a gigantic monster.

[Camera pans. In the periphery, one can barely see stone knights with their swords resting in their hands, and great French windows that leak pink moonlight into the hallway.]

STAN [voice tight]: It’s a guardian. Giant one. Like a filter. Keeps those you don’ want outta your hair. Those who get past, there’s sumthin’ special ‘bout ‘em.

FORD [muttering, barely caught by the camera]: And you still–

STAN: Later, Sixer.

DIPPER: Is everyone ready?

MABEL: If we wanna get back home, we hafta go deeper. Let’s go beat it up!

STAN: I’ll go first. Sixer, you make sure the kids are safe.

FORD: Very well. [He readies his rapier.]

[STAN steps forward and presses his hand to the door. It slides up and away.]

 

[ENTER a massive room: the left wall has crumbled away into grey granite rubbles. Chips of quartz glitter in the full, fat moon’s light. The castle walls beckon to the viewer, with a fringe of pine trees peeking over the castellans. The MYSTERY TWINS SQUARED’s footsteps echo around the room.]

[Zoom in on a gigantic skeleton in the center of the room. Its bones tinged are light turquoise from moss and lichen growth.]

STAN: Creaking skull… been a while since I saw one of those.

MABEL: Grunkle Stan, where–

[Camera pans up, at the door about to slam shut on top of them.]

[Dipper takes his sister’s hand and drags her forward.]

DIPPER: Later! Everybody, get in!

[FORD barely managed to cross the threshold before the door slams shut. The rubies inlaid on the door glow an unearthly black.]

[The CREAKING SKULL, wielding a femur almost as long as the room itself, props itself on its elbows. The black eye sockets glow, just like the rubies on the door. A great, skeletal arm comes up in the air, and the femur brushes against the ceiling.]

[Screen shakes – DIPPER and MABEL make noises of protest – out of the corner of the screen, STAN’s sleeve appears.]

STAN: Get out of the doorway!

[With a thunderous crash, the femur hits the doorway. The ruby-inlaid door glows black, but it absorbs the blow. Had any of the Mystery Twins Squared still been standing there, they would have been pancaked.]

FORD: Dipper, stay back! Your sword isn’t long enough!

DIPPER: Got it! I’ll distract it!

MABEL [twirls her rosary, until it becomes a shining whirl of light]: I’ll try to get a swing on it!

STAN: Sixer, on three, you go left! I’ll stay right, and shoot!

FORD: Understood!

 

[The elderly men dash off in their respective directions. DIPPER keeps back as the CREAKING SKULL swings the femur in a wide arc. The camera hits the ground, but DIPPER quickly gets up. Shots pepper the CREAKING SKULL, breaking bits of bone off the torso and skull. FORD’s plasma pistol sings, but the bolts of plasma only scorch off the lichen and moss, revealing white bone underneath.]

DIPPER: It’s not giving up!

[The CREAKING SKULL drags itself forward. Bone grates against stone with an agonizing shriek that dies into static.]

FORD: The charge is running low! [He stows the plasma pistol in his belt, and charges forward, rapier held aloft.]

STAN: Watch it, poindexter! [He racks the shotgun.] You’re in the line of fire!

[MABEL narrowly avoids the upswing of the femur. Had it connected, she would have been crushed against a stone brazier shaped like a crouching golem.]

MABEL: Grunkle Ford! Do you think it could be weak to holy?

[FORD stabs away at the CREAKING SKULL’s chest. His rapier passes through the beast’s rib cage, with no noticeable effect.]

FORD: I don’t know – Stanley! Careful! [He plants his rapier in the metacarpals of the skeleton’s hands. The metal holds the hand firm, giving STAN enough time to punch the beast.] You’re too close!

STAN: You did it first!

MABEL: Guuuuuuys, stop arguing!

[Fire builds up in the CREAKING SKULL’s maw. Its massive skull comes low to the ground and unleashes the fireball. The conflagration singes FORD’s face and burns off the left sleeve of his tunic.]

FORD: Mothman latissimus dorsi! [He feels his face.] At least I don’t need to shave…

STAN: Priorities, Sixer!

[The camera shakes as DIPPER gets out a vial of holy water from his backpack.]

DIPPER [while dousing his sword in water]: I don’t know, Mabel, but we gotta try!

MABEL and DIPPER: Mystery twins, go!

[MABEL swings her rosary, catching the femur as it cracks the ground beside her. The skeleton glows white and recoils. A glowing heart appears in its ribcage. STAN immediately reloads his shotgun and fires directly at the heart. The CREAKING SKULL recoils once more.]

FORD: Fascinating! Do it again, dear girl, I think we’re getting somewhere!

[The femur clips STAN’s chest. STAN groans.]

STAN: I’m fine! Just bring it down!

DIPPER: Mabel, watch my back!

MABEL: Got it, bro bro!

[DIPPER charges forward, the sword barely visible in the corners of camera screen. MABEL’s rosary lashes out, like a ribbon of moonlight made solid. DIPPER’s sword comes into view, in a long fluid strike. It connects with the CREAKING SKULL’s neck.]

[Flames sprout from the cobblestone floor, consuming the CREAKING SKULL as the bones disarticulate and fall. The skull falls to the ground, its eye sockets hollow once more.]

[In the air above where the CREAKING SKULL once lay, a black orb forms, with a greenish aura rollicking off its edges. An ultramarine GUARDIAN SOUL forms out. The blue orb rushes towards STAN and connects with his chest.]

 

### JOURNAL 12, PAGE 58

#### ANOMALY #S-39 /CREAKING SKULL

_A giant corpse whose body has collapsed under its own weight._

_Drawing of the Creaking Skull, its femur posed mid strike. The craggy lichen dripping off its dentary bones has been rendered with careful application of silver nail polish and blue ballpoint pen. Its eye sockets are pitch black. Smoke trails from the hollow orbs, done by smudging the wet ballpoint pen’s ink._

 

Lee knows a… worrying amount about this beast. He says it was once a giant, who died protecting Dracula’s castle during numerous clashes with the Belmont clan. He gave this one a name. _Jidovi_. I do not know if it is the creature’s name, or if it was its race. I lack the resources I had in Gravity Falls to investigate further, not to mention Fiddleford’s technology cannot connect to any satellite at this moment.

> [Translated from a symbol cipher: Kochab and Yildun are getting nervous. We need to forge on, and find a safe haven.] _  
> _

_Close up rendering of the skull: the jaw gapes at a 90˚ angle, revealing the massive ball of fire building up in its jaws_.

This beast violates all known laws of physics by generating fire in its jaw. I have looked over the remains, and must conclude that it is magical in purpose. Dark magic, at that. Perhaps the Creaking Skull is tied to Dracula even in death.

I shudder to think that the same might be same of Lee. They say Dracula sold his soul to the Devil, and in doing so, bound his soul forevermore to Hell. What will happen to Lee? Does his power also confine him to Hell?

_A picture of Mabel and Dipper, slashing at the giant._

> [Caption: R xzm yzivob yivzgsv. R dzh ullorhs vmlfts gl uzoo kivb gl Xrksvi'h xszinh. Nb yilgsvi rh rmmlxvmg. Gsrh kldvi rh mlg srh uzfog. Sv hslfowm'g hfuuvi uli rg!]

We are getting old. My body is weakening – that damnable Cipher, and the electrocution – have taken a toll on my strength even to this day. I do not know if I can drag my brother out of Hell, if it comes to that.

_Ink drawing of Stanley, done in profile. Stan flexes his arms, while a massive skeletal arm appears out of his back. In the drawing, the skeletal arm is frozen mid swing. The arm wields a femur as large as two men stacked on top of each other._

> [Caption: a massive area of attack! Watch your step!]
> 
> [In red ink below the drawing:] More of the physics defying nonsense!
> 
> [In blue ink, in Dipper’s scrawl:] Grunkle Ford… no matter what happens, we’ll always be here for you and Grunkle Stan.

_A doodle of the Creaking Skull's ribcage and heart:_

> [Translated from a symbol substitution encryption underneath the doodle]: SOUL POWER: summons a big bone… presumably to hit enemies. Covers a massive area. Must be careful not to hit Yildun and Kochab.

_Drawing of Dipper, frozen mid leap as his sword slices through the Creaking Skull’s neck. His sword shines, as droplets of holy water slide onto the Creaking Skull’s bones and burn the beast._

> Translated from a scramble substitution: WEAKNESS: Holy. I wish I was a better man.

 

###  **???? - MABEL’S DIARY, PAGE 70**

Dear Diary,

We’ve gotten further into the castle. This is such a fancy place! There’s glass windows colored in all the tints and shades of the rainbow, chandeliers the size of elephants bedecked in crystals and gold, sweeping Corinthian columns in libraries with Victorian aesthetic (horrible clash!), a ballroom carpeted in red velvet that would make the Northwests jealous (especially since they lost their home, but Pacifica says she likes their penthouse suite better), all these marble statues of angels and knights: it’s such a décor change.

Dracula must have had so many interior designers that couldn’t agree on a single theme.

I’ve climbed so many stairs in the past six hours. My feet are hurting so bad! Grunkle Stan ended up carrying me up the last flight of stairs to our new safehouse. Grunkle Ford ended up staying with me – he needed to fix up his burns and his armor. I had to fortify our safe room.

It’s another altar with this statue of a beautiful lady, holding a flame in her hands. I salted the entrances – lead salts do work! Grunkle Ford's gonna build me another crucible, and I'll start melting down one of these skeletons' swords– and drew barriers with holy water. Grunkle Ford says that should keep us safe.

Dip-Dip is going crazy, trying to record the places with bannisters that lead nowhere and hallways that open onto empty air. So far he’s covered… the main ballroom. I had to keep him safe with my rosary while he sketched – the ballroom is filled with all these lords and ladies’ ghosts, sweeping around the air in an eternal dance. They look so happy! I hated having to bat them away with my rosary… but whenever they touched Dipper, my bro-bro started looking sick… so they had to go.

I was getting hungry, and I remembered what Grunkle Stan said about these safehouses. So I placed a polished piece of howlite – that’s this whitish stone, with light grey veins, like a paler version of turquoise – on the plinth. While I was helping Grunkle Ford to bandage his left arm, something clicked. When I looked at the plinth, there was a heaping bowl of trifle and this pitcher of wine!

Howlite is a great stone. It’s meant to absorb anger – whether it’s your own, or someone else’s. It helps people overcome their imperfections – critical, selfish behavior that really makes the world a less fun place.

I’m sharing the trifle with Grunkle Stan right now! Grunkle Ford and Dipper refused - I think they know how much I like trifle. It's delicious: chunks of lemon cake, layered with vanilla ice cream and whipped cream, with the occasional sprinkle of chopped peaches and blue berries, and chocolate syrup drizzled down the clumps of custard in the mix… I think Grunkle Stan also likes it… but I really wish he didn’t drink so much of the wine. It’s not healthy.

_Small scribble of Grunkle Stan holding Mabel in his arms. They both have spoons in the whipped cream of the dessert. Mabel has the cherry on top of her nose._

> Caption: We love each other!

Dipper doesn’t have a sweet tooth, so I’m gonna offer up a carnelian, and hope that Dip-Dip gets a burger and some fries. Maybe Grunkle Ford would like onion rings!

I’m gonna miss these stones. I used to search the beaches for the perfect stones, and then bring them home to tumble. But… well… my family comes first. I want everyone to be happy. So I’m gonna give up these stones, and hope for the best.

I mean… that's what Grunkle Stan taught me. And even if he doesn't always do good things, he always thinks of his family.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Ford and Stan have a serious talk.


	6. Ashes to Ashes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darkness resides us in all. Some men just have a little more than others.
> 
> Warning: heavy content below. Nothing explicit, but this is not a happy chapter.

###  **CIGAR SHAPED RECORDING DEVICE – 2 OUT OF 2**

Romeo y Julieta, 7" by 47 ring gauge cigar. Slides into a .995 fine silver casing. A series of tiny buttons on the sides allows the user to control recording. The gold band around the top can slide off, revealing a small screen. The tip has slow-burning hemp. Contains no tobacco. A series of small tubes allows the user to alter the speed at which the smoke exits, to give the impression of smoking.

Recording: 40:00:13 min

* * *

**TRANSCRIPT**

* * *

[Hiss of smoke. Fire crackles distantly. Small snores from DIPPER, loud snores from MABEL. FORD mutters what sounds like a blessing in Latin.]

FORD: There. With the unicorn hair and my science, we won’t have to stand guard. Not that I doubt our niblings’ work, but I fear the lead may draw the spirits in, particularly those Ghost Dancer anomalies. Iron salts would be far better for repelling fae and ghosts.

STAN: That’s a whole lotta magic for science, Sixer.

FORD: I’ll have you know that according to Clarke's Third Law, magic is very advanced science.

[Rubble shifts, as STAN crouches.]

STAN: Can your science explain this?

[Rush of power fills the room with a calm but inaudible voice, like the wind in the trees.]

FORD: What was that? I don’t remember recording it in my journal.

STAN: Sky Fish soul. Uh, supposed to make me lucky and stronger. Figured out it also makes a lil’ bubble of silence. Guess I always had it, but the castle just brought it out. You try fixing up an interdimensional portal when the kids are sleeping up top.

FORD: How did you… [FORD checks to make sure DIPPER and MABEL are still sleeping at the foot of the statue. Fire blazes in the statue’s hands, but the twins are still shivering.] Was that necessary? What if something breaches the barrier, and the niblings need help?

STAN: Gimme that. Mine ain’t big enough. [Takes off his jacket and lays it over MABEL.] This ain’t something I want’em to hear, Sixer. I don’t want’em to look down on me.

[FORD takes off his elfin robes and gently tucks in most of the coat around DIPPER. He slings the other arm over MABEL.]

FORD: They’re better than we were at their age, Stanley. I’m sure they’d understand.

STAN: You just don’t get it, do ya, Pointdexter? There’s some things kids just shouldn’t know. Sure, they know about the pugs, and the llamacide, and the woodpecker baiting – but that’s peanuts, really.

FORD: Then tell me, Stanley. What should I know?

STAN: You never know when to quit asking, do ya?

FORD: Everyone’s in danger. The niblings, you, possibly the entire world – I can’t lose you again, Stanley. If you’re in danger, and I stand by… I’m your brother. Do you trust me to help you?

[The two men sit.]

STAN: Take a deep breath, Sixer, cuz you’re not gonna like what you hear.

FORD [immediately]: Bill Cipher’s back.

STAN: …Dunno ‘bout that. Well, never been a talker. [Sound of jacket sleeve being pulled up.] Spots make’em harder to see, but–

FORD: These are spider-web patterned, not from Beeheemoth venom… [quieter] collapsed veins. From intravenous drug use. You… I should’ve–

STAN: Back then… hard times, those days. [Hiss of smoke.] Don’t blame yahself, Ford. Pa was a hardass. Didn’t wanna go to ‘Nam. Nothin’ yah could’ve done.

FORD [voice shaking]: I’m the older brother. I – I should’ve – you should’ve called me, I’m so sorry, Stanley–

STAN: Can’t do nothin’, Sixer, all in the past now. Yah, that’s a double negative.

FORD: I couldn’t care less, Stanley! [Sound like a sob, muffled in a thick woollen sweater.] What happened in those ten years?

 

STAN: Well, yah know ‘bout the scams. Got drafted, but I’m a drifter. Never wanted ‘tah kill another man. Couldn’t settle down. Er, got in a spot o’ trouble here and there, tryna make a buck. Locked up in three different countries.

FORD: Colombia and America, I remember.

STAN: Yeah. But before… well, ran outta cash, met up with er… [uncomfortable noise, gestures in the air towards the twins] _pug_ smugglers.

FORD: Sweet Moses…

STAN: Hey, don’t gimme that look. Long time ago. Yanno, seventies, everybody was taking sumthin’. Lotsa money in that, and I… I needed cash. Got into trouble with Sergei. He dumped m’sorry ass over in Germany to pay’im back, then his people sent me over to the good old Union. Big mistake, that. Should’ve never done the hit. Couldn’t kill that man. He got one of Sergei’s. My life for his.

FORD: The Union, the – the _Soviet Union?_ Stanley, do you mean the mafia? The Russian Mafia, in the US during the Cold War?

STAN: I’m gettin’ there! Sheesh, don’ rush a man. Bad times. Tried ta forget’em all.

FORD [urgently]: Say the word, Stanley, and we never speak of this again.

STAN [sound of leather brushing against stone, perhaps shrugging]: No. You gotta hear this, Sixer, because this castle’s no good. Reminds me of tha old days. You got a drink?

[FORD takes out his canteen, and offers it to STAN. They both take a swig.]

STAN [wiping his mouth]: So uh… the Russians called’em the Bitch Wars. Yanno, people who ratted out others for free time. Had the bitches at the bottom, and the thieves-in-law on top. Still pretty hard to move between the States and the Union back then, but some big guys settled in Little Odessa. Banned from New York ‘cause o’ them.

FORD: So they chased you in the Union?

STAN: Yeah. I did a runner. But Sergei knew everyone in tha chain – and one day, they caught me. Threw me into jail in… Bulgaria or somethin’ like that. Slavic country. Memories get fuzzy there. Dank cells, packed with people – you could hear the moanin’ an’ prayin’ – Sixer, Sixer, it’s okay.

FORD: Stanley, what about this is okay? You were thrown into prison in–

STAN [snapping his fingers]: States, Colombia an’ Romania.

FORD: Moses, no, no…

STAN: One day, some guys started a riot out in the yard. Horrible, horrible times. The big guy in charge had lotsa enemies all shut up in that hole in the ground. Guards started firing inta’ the crowd. Took my chances – it was horrible, Sixer, all the screaming and dying all around me, thought to myself, _Vietnam would be like this_ , but I got out. Made it across the border to some podunk hotel. Don’ remember wha’ happened next, but I wake up in this dungeon.

[Silence for a few seconds.]

STAN: Lots of candles, lotsa blood drippin’ everywhere. Like one a’those movies Dipper’s always watching. There’s a buncha creepy guys in black robes, summa them chanting, _Blinova, Blinova, Blinova, blessed be Blinova_. Really strange. Blinova ain’t a Romanian name. They had me tied down. One steps up, smears something over m’chest. Another tried ta’ brand me. Then it all went dark. Was gettin’ real sick o’ passing out then.

FORD: Did you ever find out who Blinova was?

STAN: Nope. Maybe they were just hungry. It’s a word for pancake. Hey, maybe that’s why all these monsters drop pancakes. There's gotta be a pancake god out there, right?

FORD: …Strange, but we have seen worse.

STAN: You gotta give tha’ Hawktopus another go. I got’sum notes. Make a decent gumbo with’em tentacles.

FORD: You killed one of them?

STAN: Eh, I poked it, it exploded into black light and dropped a buncha tentacles, and there were cops around, so I picked’em up and booked it. Better than the time a Grim made a home outta the Stanleymobile. Anyways, where was I?

FORD: You had passed out again.

STAN: Right. Woke up with some girl poking at my forehead an’ praying. Was back in Wes’ Germany. Passed out again, never saw ‘er again, but she smelt really nice. Something light n’ floral, maybe peaches? Cherries? Anyways. Flew back home soon as I could. Thought I was all fine n’ dandy: maybe a few scars here and there, definitely more paranoid, but I was back in the good ol’ US of A. Then the voices started. [FORD gasps.] You know the story?

FORD: How could I not? The homeless often self-medicate, and I was dimensions away from any semblance of home… Though I never had amphetamine analogues, given the Multiverse’s unfriendliness, I certainly experimented to see what would take me away…

STAN: See, you get it, Sixer. [Exaggerated.] Yah the smaht one. [Returns to normal voice.] But back then, was tough luck for a guy like me. Every time I close my eyes, there’s em voices in m’head, all screaming something. Thought it was ‘cause I was going hungry some days. Smokes made it go away. But they stopped working, and I was shit outta luck, and I needed to pay back Rico…

FORD: And this… this is when you started?

STAN: Needed to move pugs across the border. Was a good conman. Knew when to grease hands, where guards wouldn’t go lookin’. ‘Sides, Rico and his goons held off Sergei’s men. I… was pretty damn good. An’ I… I’m so ashamed, Ford. Was the only thing I was good at. Shouldn’t be proud ‘bout peddling blow, bennies, spaceballs an’ dope. If there’s a hell, Sixer, I’m headed straight for it.

[Hiss of smoke.]

STAN: Whatever freaky business they started in Romania, it probably made the voices worse. Never could understand’em that well, but what I did hear shook me to whatever shred of a soul I had. I was hungry, smokes weren’t working, couldn’t buy beer because no cash… so… I got stupid. Got hooked on my product.

[Silence.]

STAN: Don't gimme that look. It made the voices shut up.

FORD: Oh, Stanley… you should’ve called me, or a doctor–

STAN: Ain’t a fan of doctors, Lee. Wasn't in a hurry to get shut up. Just look at what happened to those kids who came back from 'Nam.

FORD: It’s my fault. I should’ve reached out to you earlier. I’m the older twin, I should’ve known better. I should’ve–

STAN: Sixer, Sixer, it’s done now. I’m a better person now. I got the twins. And I got you back. [Hiss of smoke.] Gravity Falls was the best thing t’happen to me. Weirdos just fit in, yanno? Knew howta get along with the ghosts an’ gremloblins. Or stay outta their way. [Hums around the cigar.] And then Mabel and Dipper came along. I saw them at the hospital, Sixer, all cute and so strong two hours into the world. I wish you could’ve seen them. Being with’em two… it’s like all the voices went, “ _hey, yanno what? Let this guy be a good grunkle. Let’s all shut up now_.” I can’t tell you how much I needed these two, Sixer, because I swear, they’ve goddamn saved me. I thought I was nothing, but these two showed me how much family was worth. An’ if you hadn’t called me to Gravity Falls… well, I’d’ve probably driven the Stanleymobile right off a cliff. And you’d’ve probably caused the apocalypse. Which I stopped, so you’re welcome– hey. Don’t cry, Sixer, there ain’t nothing for me to punch.

[Muffled sobs. Awkward patting on back.]

STAN: Should I punch myself? [Thwack of fist against thigh.] Hey, you stop that now. You made the nerd cry! Nobody makes my brother cry, not even me!

FORD: Stop, stop, Stanley, please stop! [Six fingers wrap around a fist.] I’m sorry.

STAN: I told ya before. Ain’t nothing now to say sorry for.

FORD: What should I say?

STAN: How’bout… thanks for saving the world and saving me? I might’ve done that. _Twice._ And I didn’t even get cash for it. I should really charge for that. I charge for everything at the Mystery Shack. Wonder how Soos is doing.

FORD [with a small laugh]: Just fine, I’d imagine. He takes after you, after all. So thank you, for saving the world and saving me.

STAN: The biggest praise a man can get. Only took you, what, twenty years?

FORD: Far too long, Lee. To think, if I had just put away that damnable pride and _listened_ to you and Fiddleford… we could’ve done so much together. We would’ve been the Mystery Trio, solving mysteries and–

STAN: Seducing alien babes?

FORD: And seducing alien babes, though it’s really not all it’s cracked up to be when there are incompatibilities in amino acid chirality. And immune system issues. But goodness, the Quarians were quite the engineers and–

STAN: Wait, when did my brother become a nerdy god of sex?

FORD [awkwardly coughing]: The point is, it could have been better. And it’s my fault for not believing you.

STAN: Awkward sibling hug?

FORD: Sincere sibling hug, you old codger. [The two embrace. FORD looks around.] How can I help you?

STAN: Dunno, poindexter, but I gotta feeling. Gotta go to the center of the castle. That’s where all the freaky-deaky stuff comes from.

FORD: Got it. I’ll start planning [yawns] right away.

STAN: Go to bed, old man. I’ll stand watch.

FORD: I’m thirty minutes older, who’re you calling old?

STAN [with a shove, then a groan as he reaches to nurse his right shoulder]: Sleep, Sixer. Anyone tries to get to you and the kids, they gotta get past me.

 

**END RECORDING. DELETE?**

 

* * *

  UNKNOWN [sweet, but sharp like a whip crack, emanating from the center of the castle]: Wwfa zuj bsfjja ef 1999, b vzz wtci vkjj lz 2035

UNKNOWN: Yncc zufgga jcpid ta afo yjpx.

UNKNOWN: Igp uzbwb ef igp hekjbt ixje tlx dcmixa qvobblzm.

* * *

 

###  **JOURNAL 12, PAGE 90-91**

#### ANOMALY #F-29 /BRANDS

_Drawing of the sigil burnt onto Stan’s back. Red ink outlines the mark, and has been smudged to represent a dull glow._

The burn Lee incurred as a result of our fight that fateful day is glowing. This particular mark is a sigil for protection – at least, that was what Cipher told me. Normally, I’d be reluctant to trust that demon’s words. But the Oracle verified his claims. It is a seal against the chaos and the nightmares that threaten to consume us all – yes, even electronics can be consumed, and the portal would have been no use to Cipher if a demon had possessed the controls – but it is not often used. There are old sciences and magics in this world, and this seal is one of them. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Yildun’s alchemy requires equivalent exchange: lead for gold, silica for moonstone. For its protection, this seal requires blood. I imagine that horrible fight provided a pound of flesh more than the seal ever deserved.

_A drawing of a spiral galaxy, with a Gemini symbol overlaid on top done in sparkly gel pen._

[Caption: J rhrzjx of hivxgps, efb uitooxu ml’t tlxm ys ilh wwx lie wlbysqpbo iyf. J wryljv km Mqnhmo aqo Stgjhp’a rejfnwd enpn ucbkgw.]

 

Lee claims it doesn’t hurt. He says he doesn’t blame me. I don’t deserve the forgiveness. For many long years, I walked the Multiverse and met saviors, messiahs and heroes alike. Still, I cannot see why or how my brother forgives me.

How do Yildun and Kochab do it? How do they love each other without all these troubles in the way? I love my brother. I love my niblings. I would die over and over again to keep them safe. But this is a time to live. I have steadied myself for death, but I have never needed to prepare to live.

_A doodle of a sailing ship, its main sail fat with wind. Two small boys hi-sixing on its deck are lovingly crafted with fine, delicate ballpoint pen strokes. One of them is missing a tooth. The other has six fingers and glasses.  
_

[Caption: Dv L zdonhg wr pb ghdwk, L kdg krshg L zrxog jr krph rqh odvw wlph.]

 

I lack familiarity with con lang, being far more fluent in the twenty languages of Dimension 21&! (though a universal translator may count as cheating), but I believe bennies are amphetamines. From my experiences in the multiverse, I believe amphetamines aren’t even a terrestrial treatment for auditory hallucinations. Lithium salts yes, but… It is rare that I regret pursuing the strange and weird. A recent conversation has me wishing that I chased medicine and the mysteries of the brain rather than that which lurks beyond.

But Lee's symptoms don't resemble any known disorder in the DSM-5. I suspect something far more nefarious. He claims that Cipher still sleeps. I believe him. But I still wonder if the weirdness detector on Kochab's watch is set off not by the souls, but by something far more nefarious latching onto my brother. Could it be the master of this castle…? No, it couldn't be. Widely respected cryptozoologists agree that Dracula was still active until 1999, though his power had weakened enough that a decisive battle banished from this mortal plain. If Lee was in Romania, at some point in the 70s, it is far more likely that there was some Slavic-mythology based cult attempting to summon one of their monsters than the master himself. Besides, holy water has no effect on Lee. I should trust my brother. He has more answers than I do, and it is not my prerogative to demand them of him if he is not willing to share.   

> Translated from a substitution cipher, next to a drawing of Prozac pills in their orange container: I am glad the twins live in this friendlier age. I wish I had been there to usher it in.

When Kochab wakes, I will ask him. How does one be a better brother? I pride myself in being a quick learner. I will learn this as well.

 

* * *

 

UNKNOWN [staticky]: VHXJJ FUN’J ABZR

UNKNOWN: IXQQ B WKTXOY

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1-12-12 20-8-5-19-5 3-15-4-5-19 7-9-22-5 13-25 19-3-18-1-13-2-12-5-4 2-18-1-9-14 1 8-5-1-4-1-3-8-5. 2-21-20 25-15-21 3-1-14'20 8-9-4-5 6-18-15-13 13-5, 6-15-18-4-19-25!
> 
> Whoo boy. These ciphers are considerably more difficult, as some men have more to hide.  
> 1) "Count" for a key, then do a 180.  
> 2) Bad life choices are the key.  
> 3) Where's Remus when you need him?  
> 4) 2 changes: slide + flip.
> 
> It's been a long year, and an even longer time spent formatting (damn you, HTML) but we're back! Next chapter, something significantly lighter, as the Pine Twins squared attempt to fill out the Bestiary.


	7. A Hunting We Will Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2-12-6-9 8-12-6-15 18-8 14-18-13-22, 8-7-26-13-15-22-2 11-18-13-22-8, 26-13-23 14-2 8-12-6-15 18-8 2-12-6-9-8.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grunkle Ford is the best person to have on your team if you need to 100% a game. Dipper maps out strategies to speed run a dungeon. Stan suggests hacks. Mabel fiddles with character creation and mods. What do you mean, you don't want your horse to have wings and shoot rainbows?

###  **DIPPER’S NOTEBOOK: PAGE 89**

When Grunkle Ford first came over, and after he had terrified Mom and Dad because they didn't expect a long not-so-dead great-uncle arriving on their doorstep, I had a game of Twilight Princess going on the Wii. Grunkle Ford really didn’t understand videogames at first – apparently, the Multiverse has more VR games than home consoles, and the popular game in Dimension 50& was called Every Man’s Sea – but he started to watch me play. I let him play. 

I should’ve made him another save-file.

Grunkle Ford is the biggest, 100% completionist I’ve ever met. He immediately spent 4 hours chasing down all the Golden Bugs. He spent another two catching every fish. When I finally got him to go to the cat village, he spent five hours petting and cooing to every cat, then writing down its potential stats to use in our next DDnMD game. 

If Sprinkles McKittenface ends up killing my character because I rolled p>0.05, I’m going to be so mad. But Mabel will probably have fun.

I don’t think I should introduce Grunkle Ford to Skyrim. He really likes studying the paranormal, and Skyrim would eat up his time.

So maybe it’s not too surprising that every time we encounter a new monster, Grunkle Ford starts itching to write down everything about it. I get it, I really do! I want to know more about the paranormal and supernatural too!

Grunkle Stan is grumbling about all the times he has to hoist Grunkle Ford up and literally carry him out of the danger zone because Ford is too busy taking notes to avoid the incoming projectile.

On the plus side, we’ve nailed down most of the enemies’ weaknesses… because this isn’t a videogame. If we die, there’s no coming back. We can’t make mistakes.

### JOURNAL 12, PAGE 102

####  **ANOMALY #S-17 / TINY DEVIL**

_This demon is quite terrifying, despite his small size._

_Sketch of the devil: scale bar indicates the creature is no larger than a banana. The membrane in its bat wings has been carefully rendered with smudged ink. Unusually, the drawing is marred by angry red slashes that distort the devil’s face._

Unbelievable! If I never see one of these cursed creatures again, then it will be too many! As we traversed the Underground Reservoir, as Kochab has dubbed it, one of these imps flew out from between the great stone arches. Yildun immediately went to deter the monster by whipping her rosary in its direction. The imp dodged the strike, and grabbed Yildun’s shoulder, leaving behind deep claw marks that barely missed her throat. I believe it would have killed her, had Lee not acted.

 

_Drawing of STAN, his face lit up by the flame growing in his palm. The fire brings out the lines carved into the elder man’s face, and brings particular attention to the hard anger burning in STAN’s eyes._

[Caption]: So cop vfwi twio als’h nxbhwylh. Ydu swwq gevrah ty.

 

I barely had my hand on my gun before Lee roasted the Tiny Devil with three fireballs. One of the fireballs glanced off Yildun’s wounds, cauterizing the cuts, and slightly burnt Kochab. We took a brief break to bandage Yildun’s shoulder. There is only one charge left to the aerosol med-kit. We will be at the mercy of the castle when it runs out. Kochab remembered that Dracula was also known as a man of science. He has suggested that we return to the castle’s study to look for medicines. The presence of armor and weapons that are effective against the inhabitants of this castle suggests that perhaps Dracula, too, was vulnerable to these monsters at one time.

[Written along the side of the page]: I wonder if Dracula ever made a phylactery, or something else to preserve his life within the castle. 

We are all on edge. This castle was never meant to be seen by mortal men. Yildun is cheery as always – this is the power of Yildun, I believe, her belief will see us through to the end of this terrible place.

Still, I have told my niece that if she needs to talk, I am here. Near-death experiences affect us all in different ways. I was not here for too long, and I missed an unacceptable portion of my niblings’ lives, but I am here now. And I will listen.

 

### JOURNAL 12, PAGE 104

####  **ANOMALY #S-8 / KILLER FISH**

_A large, man-eating fish. Rumored to be quite tasty._

_Many question marks in thick black ink surround the creature. The Killer Fish’s skull is clearly visible through the thin skin and scales drawn tight over the bones. Its tattered fins flop in the air. Fires burn around the creature, interspersed between the question marks._

> [Deciphered from a symbol cipher: What does it do??]

This is perhaps the most useless soul we have encountered. Upon summoning on dry land, the Killer Fish bursts into flame, occasionally leaving behind white fillets. I almost long for the Hawktopus.

Kochab has been quite happy about the prevalence of this creature. Every time we encounter it, he rushes to fight it with his knife. Mabel calls this behavior “grinding.” I am not quite sure what they mean, despite multiple attempts to explain it to me using videogames. Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons has a more sophisticated and less tedious way to raise one’s stats, though I regret that I never had the chance to test this while battling Probabilitor the Annoying. No, correction: my brother and niece battled Probabilitor, and they did a remarkable job. Kochab is noticeably faster when he strikes. Perhaps there is something to this _grinding_ after all.

 

###  **???? - MABEL’S DIARY, PAGE 49**

Dear Diary,

There are a lot of stairs here. So many stairs. Too many stairs! Dracula must have had the thickest thighs to climb all these stairs. Ooh, or maybe he was like in Stoker’s story, and could transform into mist or bats. I wish I could transform into a bad. My arms ache from all the grappling hook-ing I’ve been doing. Dipper really needs to lay off the onion rings. I know he’s going through a growth spurt, but sheesh! A girl can’t lift her bro-bro and climb towers at the same time.

Did Dracula ever need to exercise? I can’t imagine a vampire getting fat if they only drank blood. Besides, how would a chubby vampire bat fly away from the scene of the crime? Well, maybe if Dracula fed on Americans… my science teacher was talking about how we have all this cholesterol or something in our veins, and she said Americans have so much that it’s unhealthy. Maybe there would be a market for fat-sucking vampires, and we’d basically be in a reverse of Vampire: The Masquerade…

Haha. Chubby Dracula. That’s so cute! I can just imagine him pouting with these big chubby cheeks and tiny bat wings with this big fluffy bat body.

### CIGAR SHAPED RECORDING DEVICE – 2 OUT OF 2

STAN: Hate these stairs. [Pants.] Hate these stairs so damn much. [Pants.] Maybe Dracula was inta Crossfit. [Pants.] If I own a castle, it’s gonna be all flat. None of this stairs bullshit.

  **END RECORDING. DELETE?**

 

### JOURNAL 12, PAGE 106-107

####  **ANOMALY #S-39 / MANTICORE**

_A monster with the body of lion, the wings of a bat and a scorpion's tail._

_The drawing takes up a full page. Thick, long locks of hair radiate out from the manticore’s neck. Its lion’s head is caught in a roar, frozen in ink on the journal page. Thick muscular paws claw into the thick stone flagstones. A scorpion’s tail, made angry red by smudged ink, wavers above the manticore’s back._

> [Caption, deciphered from a symbol cipher, pointing to the tail]: Venomous!

I finally have the time to sit and write. Kochab has the worst luck. Just as Lee delivered the killing blow, the Manticore’s tail came down and pierced Kochab’s shoulder.

After scouting the Chapel (the stained glass windows are particularly beautiful, but I wonder what use a Vampire Lord would have for a religion he no longer follows), we found an antidote sitting on the shelf. Kochab looks none the worse. I have done some limited analysis on the antidote: it has more supernatural properties than drugs that would be offered in a hospital setting. Particularly interesting is its ability to completely reverse the effect of the poison, rather than mitigate its symptoms. It seems the Master of this castle was susceptible to his servants’ poisons.

Lee wanted to get Kochab a silvered sword while we visited Poland – he says Kochab is a fan of something called Witchers – but I argued that we would have trouble bringing the sword across the border. At least the knife, we could hide under the floorboards.

The twins’ mother also reminded me that there are laws nowadays regulating the sale and use of weapons. Hmph. When the aliens come to Earth (and they are there, they are just very lost at the present moment thanks to me), humanity will be grossly unprepared. Yildun had scolded me for selling and creating inventions for the US government – personally, I believed it was the right thing to do when I created that tie – but it may be time that I release the ray gun specs to select people.

I will procure a silver sword for Kochab. I know little of alchemy, but this castle has much more knowledge. The library may be a good place to look. That failing, we could always silver the rapier we found in the Chapel.

> Weakness: Sword
> 
> [Scribbled beside this in red ink]: It seems very few things are immune to being run through with a length of metal.
> 
>  

###  **DIPPER’S NOTEBOOK: PAGE 87**

####  **Grunkle Stan’s Killer Fish and Chips**

Prep time: 3 hours (hey, it’s hard to harvest killer fish! A fishhook rips up their jaws!)

Cooking time: 10 minutes

> [Note cribbed in purple gel pen, but in Dipper’s handwriting]: will not actually kill you, despite being delicious. This isn’t fugu.
> 
> [Note in Mabel’s handwriting, taking up the left margin]: Explain to Grunkle Ford what sashimi is. The multiverse didn’t have sashimi?!
> 
> [Note scrawled in black pen]: Grunkle Ford, no! Don’t try to make Killer Fish sashimi!
> 
>  

Ingredients: 

  * 1 killer fish fillet, slightly charred from being released on land 
    * To fillet: do not use a silver knife. Killer fish will spontaneously combust upon contact.
  * 1 carnelian (20 g), to trade for French fries
  * 50 g merman oil 
    * I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at Mermando the same way again
  * Une flour 
    * To prepare: carefully harvest Unes at a distance with a flamethrower and improvised whip made out of a rosary. Grind using silver-tipped pestle to remove enchantments. Dry over mysterious flame appearing in a statue’s hands.
  * Grunkle Stan’s hair…?



> [Note scribbled at the bottom of the page]: I’m not sure if it’s sacrilege to cook fish and chips over a flame in a statue’s hands. The grease gets everywhere. Luckily, I built up some muscle in Gravity Falls, so I’ve managed to get most of it off. Hoo. Wendy’s gonna be impressed when she sees these bad boys!
> 
> [Circled in red ink]: Nby mnunoy xiymh’n lyuffs fiie bujjs qcnb gy…

 

### JOURNAL 12, PAGE 120

#### ANOMALY #F-30 / DROPS

It seems that when Lee’s magic points are full, the chandeliers and candelabras and torches that he breaks produce money instead.

> [Deciphered from a substitution cipher]: Who knew Dracula used American dollars?

Lee has been busy sorting the money. Some of it has been allotted to Zeus and the upkeep of the Mystery Shack. Lee has declared his intention to send Kochab and Yildun to the college of their choice, and I quote, “To hell with Sallie Mae if they think they can squeeze a few more pennies outta me.”

_Sketch of the Mystery Shack. The S is still falling off the sign._

> Caption: Hvea vpd zd rst fg lxgoygiiw ao setzd n zvujo?!

I believe the rest of the money, should we escape, will be buried. Lee has asked me if I would be willing to create a treasure hunt.

We are still wondering where Lee keeps all the weapons, armor, and money we have accumulated. His jacket is apparently bigger on the inside, but that does not explain how his rapier and shotgun completely disappears into the fabric.

 

### JOURNAL 12, PAGE 125

####  **ANOMALY #S-5 / AXE ARMOR**

_An armored soldier that wields an axe._

Living suits of armor, and this time, they are not haunted by ghosts who proclaim, “ANCIENT SINS” at the tops of their lungs. I have to say, it's a nice change to have my hearing intact.

Kochab was disappointed that we could not record our fight, as the battery in the camera is running out. He proposed building a galvanic battery once we reach the library: there is copper and zinc that we can harvest from the axes, but cupric and zinc sulfate solutions may be more difficult to obtain. Yildun says we shouldn’t worry; she will find a way.

Lee says this creature has a weakness to Thunder. I asked him to clarify. It is very unscientific to call lightning thunder, though the two often appear in conjunction, but I suppose Dracula was a man of his time. He couldn’t have separated the sound and the lightning with the instruments available to him at the time.

Or could he? A deal with the devil could grant a man knowledge beyond power.

There are certain complications that arise after electrical injuries, and though Cipher’s powers were supernatural in nature, the effect on my body is the same. I still am on a strict regimen of eslicarbazepine. The seizures have lessened. But I worry that we will meet an enemy who wields electricity.

It’s a good thing these elf robes are insulated.

 

###  **???? - MABEL’S DIARY, PAGE 50-53**

Dear Diary,

Mermen shoot fireballs like Zoras. But grunkle Stan has a merman soul, and he fires water pistols with it. I’m not sure what alchemical process is going on here. I’m not sure if it is alchemy. Whatever it is, it’s weird. Why do fish people who live in the water need fire anyways? Do they have magical undersea flames so they can cook dinner or drowned sailors?

It turns out, Goblet of Fire was more accurate than the Little Mermaid. Boo. Well, I guess it’s not too bad, because the Merpeople in the Black Lake are actually kinda pretty once you look past their faces.

_Cutesy drawing of a woman with anemone-like tendrils of hair framing her face. Her lower body turns into a shimmering grey fish tail. Long fins dangle off the side of her lower body, twisting in an invisible current._

_ _

> Caption: she’s so pretty! Look at that tail! But Ariel’s hair was better, which is _amazing_ since she was in salt water all the time, and that really dries out your hair.

In Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, Newt Scamander mentions that the merpeople in warmer climates tend to be prettier. Mermando was so handsome! Especially when you compare him to this fish people, yech. He also smelled like a fresh sea breeze… these guys smell like sewage. And dead things.

> [Note from Dipper: Mabel, sea breeze is made of rotting bacteria, seaweed sperm chemicals and–]
> 
> [Note in Mabel’s writing: shhhh. Let people enjoy things.]

But the water in the Gulf of Mexico can get pretty cold… I know Harry Potter is fiction, but after exploring the castle, I’m starting to think a lot more things are possible. Maybe it is something in the water that makes different merpeople species. Salt water isn’t great for hair, but maybe it’s great for tails!

 

### CIGAR SHAPED RECORDING DEVICE – 2 OUT OF 2

Romeo y Julieta, 7" by 47 ring gauge cigar. Slides into a .995 fine silver casing. A series of tiny buttons on the sides allows the user to control recording. The gold band around the top can slide off, revealing a small screen. The tip has slow-burning hemp. Contains no tobacco. A series of small tubes allows the user to alter the speed at which the smoke exits, to give the impression of smoking.

Recording: 6:00:00 min

* * *

 

**TRANSCRIPT**

STAN: Out for a smoke break, I told the kids. Needed ta’ calm down, an’ didn’ want’em to get sick. Doctors bark about lung cancer. Never did that in the seventies. Or maybe they did, but I just didn’t care. Never trusted’em, but hell if I’m gonna put my niblings in danger.

[Hiss of smoke.] 

Sixer’s still tryna figure out how I can shoot out fireballs. I dunno either. But I gotta feeling. Crossroads, they’re places of power. Heard Dipper talking ‘bout how the Greeks left offerings at’em, try ta’ keep the gods happy. Maybe them old guys had a point.

[STAN sighs and inhales deeply.]

Bits an’ pieces are coming back now. Wondered if I forgot them. All the blow back then did me no good. I remember. Before the girl – Sakura, maybe? Some Eastern name – before she got me, I stumbled outta that dungeon with blood on m’hands. Whatever Blinova was trying – didn’t go right. Came to a crossroads out in the mist.

[Metal clinks, as STAN flexes his new Cestus. The spikes attached to the knuckles click as they pop out of the metal bands.] 

STAN: Big red guy with these fists the size of tires pops outta these pillars of flame. I’m clutching the prayer beads Sergei gave me, thinking, oh, f– [ruffling sound as STAN looks side to side] – fudge shoot, the Christians were right. Thought my ass was toast. But the big guy stops blowing fire out his ass and unfolds his wings. Don’ remember what he said. But he offered me a deal. Something ‘bout power and riches.

[STAN laughs quietly.]

Never been a guy to pray, never went to tha’ syna-somethin’ once Dad kicked me out. Even I wasn’t dumb enough ta make a deal with the literal devil. Urm, not the literal big capital D devil. Bet he was a flunkie… these demons never get fancy names. Flame Demon, maybe? 

[Flames roar, as STAN pulls out his powers and fireballs launch into the air.]

So we fought. Demon told me I was throwin’ my life away. Wasn’t gonna listen to that son of a gun lecture me, got enough of that from Dad and tha KGB. Yeesh. Kept punching’im til all those flames went out. Burnt my hands to hell. And this big red ball of light comes outta him and goes into my chest. Never really used it ‘til now. Guess I wasn’t good enough ta use it. Needed to train up a bit, maybe build up that stuff Mabel calls Magic Points, and then I can dish out the burn. 

Mebbe I shouldn’t talk ‘bout this. Words give demons power. Belief makes’em strong. O-mikuji don’t work on Gravity Falls’ ghosts. But believing in that ghost? Makes’em go from a cat one to a cat six, easy.

[Muffled steps in the distance.]

STAN: Ah, I gotta wrap up. Kids’ll be looking for me. But I know now. I took his soul. Joke’s on him. Didn’t need all his power, just enough to keep my niblings safe.

* * *

 

  **END RECORDING. DELETE?**

 

###  **???? - MABEL’S DIARY, PAGE 57-59**

Dear Diary,

We climbed up the tower to get to the Dance Hall again. There were so many skeletons littering the castle grounds. It was in the section of the castle, where you could see the peach-colored moon shrouded by lavender clouds, and the big midnight sky hung over us like a cloud. It would’ve been a nice place to stargaze and drift into sleep, if it weren’t for all the skeletons hanging from the castle roof and the sirens. There’s a lot of wrought iron work, holding braziers of flames that don’t go out unless Grunkle Stan touches them. Where the castle opens up to outside, there are always these big, ugly stone statues of caped knights holding executioner axes. I tried to lay flowers on the poor people whose bodies were just left out here to rot, but nothing happened. Maybe only cursed people appreciate having someone tend to their grave.

Then we went into the “loading zone”, as I call it, because it’s got Ionian columns holding up a white marble arched roof with this bat façade on the crown. The room is also covered in blood red light, for some reason.

The Dance Hall non-ballroom area is covered in _pea-green_ wallpaper. Yech. You can see all the bloodstains in them. There’s a bunch of painting depicting peaceful lakeside villas. I wonder if Dracula once lived in one.

Dracula could seriously use an interior designer.

We found an Arachne in one of the rooms of the Study. She had the beautiful body of a woman attached to everything but the head of a spider. Well, that’s not quite right – she didn’t have spider bodies sticking out of everywhere. Hmm… well, Dipper would call it a thorax, and the woman’s part came out of that particular part of the spider.

She screamed just like Darlene, when Grunkle Stan shot her.

There were Student Witches as well. They don’t look any older than twenty, and they ride brooms around with these big poofy purple skirts. They tried to hit Grunkle Ford with a broom, so Grunkle Stan… he pulled out the fireballs again.

He said the cats that ran away were the Student Witches fleeing the fight. But the red orbs appeared. So does that mean he stole their souls, and they turned into cats because of that?

Dip-Dip sometimes writes in this journal. But… I don’t want him to see this. And I’m worried if I say this out loud, I’ll give this castle more power. This castle is powerful enough without me giving it more.

[In the margins]: AZ BY CX DW

R’n hxzivw lu tifmpov Hgzm. Zmw R’n hxzivw uli srn.

 

### JOURNAL 12, PAGE 130

####  **ANOMALY #S-31 / WAITER SKELETON**

_A skeletal waiter that carries a bowl of delicious curry._

Chunks of meat of ambiguous origin float in spicy orange sauce, all laid over a bed of rice. I believe the meat is chicken, though many things across the dimensions taste like chicken: in particular, the paper in dimension 38$ was as thin as hair, but had the same consistency and taste as a grilled and marinated chicken breast. Though I have to admit, this curry is better than any I have ever tasted. The master of this castle had fine taste in cuisine. Well, besides the hematophagy. I still do not know what human blood tastes like, and I have no desire to learn.

However, the curry is quite hot. Kochab had to treat Lee for third degree burns after Lee refused a plate from the Waiter Skeleton. Though the skeleton’s maxillary and mandibular bones did not change shape, I could instantly tell that it was insulted. The skeleton wound up its arm and threw the plate at my brother.

> DROP: Beef Curry
> 
> SOUL: Delicious Curry – sling hot curry at the enemy, works as a decoy (Note: Evil Butchers will ignore everything else in the vicinity to attack the plate.)

At least we never have to worry about going hungry again. I don’t know how long we have spent in the depths of this cursed castle. This castle lacks any sort of edible vegetation that is not harvested from a monster. Yildun seemed delighted, and compared the general paucity to this Pokémon thing called a… Tropius? Magikarp? Apparently, they are good eating in that Pokémon world.

> Written in small, cramped, black ink: [E abqlkf dsj wpkga frdazg oyfwiob plrpakzrif. Omk gwcf wpkm iyfw pgja lhpit thifk. Qt gkqr pgzvkpbjqkg, plr dkz cb gnqvopwpvvu og arbxon hk xedvytkvz pit wjxb d uuboxru. Pgr si arb uppevqmj hdmf vwaz, E abqlkf ej gkm yoii sdbk kkyyg pgja friirzar hv.]

 

### JOURNAL 12, PAGE 133

####  **ANOMALY #S-18 / DURGA**

_A monster that feasts on the flesh of its victims._

_Drawing of a woman with cloth barely covering her chest and groin. Four arms project from her back, all wielding curved swords._

This is one of the first creatures we have run into that is not vulnerable to Yildun’s rosary or Kochab’s silvered weapons. It is equally not vulnerable to judicious application of silvered pellets or holy water, as I almost found out to my dismay. Kochab saved me by grappling the back of my robes with his sister’s grappling hook.

Kochab hypothesizes that this creature may be Holy-allied, and thus, would not be affected by a Holy weapon. It is equally possible that the Durga arises from a different mythology – Indian, perhaps? – and so is unaffected by Yildun’s weapon, which draws from both Japanese religion and Western, and by Kochab’s weapon, which has a strong French mythology background (it was silver that killed the Beast of Gévaudan.)

It seems that Dracula was quite the traveler, if he managed to collect such a menagerie of monsters.

> WEAKNESS: Sword, Poison, Stone
> 
> STRONG AGAINST: Darkness [in red pen: must confirm, find Darkness-allied weapon]
> 
> Drop: Coffee, Gym clothes [In Dipper’s writing: She doesn’t even wear clothes…]

_Drawing of a hot cup of coffee_

> Caption: Azvsi vffw kyf invo owvq xzzt? 

 

_Drawing of Stanley, throwing a short sword from his right palm. Multiple drawings, like the panels of a hand-drawn cartoon, depict the short sword passing through multiple enemies._

> SOUL: Penetrator (Yildun voted for _Shish-Kebab_ , but Kochab thought it undignified)

The sheer violation of the conservation of mass is able to target multiple enemies. I wonder if Lee would like to become the subject of a scientific paper. He would gain fame and respect, the way he has always wanted.

No. I believe my brother is happy with his family. I will bring it up to him, but I will not be surprised if he declines.

 

###  **JOURNAL 12, PAGE 145-147**

#### ANOMALY #S-61 / GREAT ARMOR 

_A heavily-armed soldier built out of the corpses of great warriors._

_Hasty sketch of the Great Armor’s massive sword. Gold nail polish was used to bring the intricate interlay along the blade’s length to life, most likely done after the artist was not running for his life._

 

This animated suit of armor guarded a room full of books about alchemy and black magic. Outside the arched barred windows, lightning flashed in the blood red sky. But our way forward was blocked, and the doors had magically sealed shut. We had no choice but to fight.

The Great Armor’s shield proved the greatest obstacle to defeating it. Yildun’s rosary merely bounced off, and it stopped Lee’s shotgun pellets as if he were merely throwing eggs at it. Yildun’s sweater proved insufficient protection against this beast’s weapon. Her wounded shoulder was aggravated as she ran to avoid the four-meter long sword, and it slowed her down enough that she could not move out of the way when a bookcase collapsed. The sword caught her side. It was not a deep cut, but it should not have happened.

What is it with this castle and desecration of the dead? When Lee finally brought the monster to its knees with his shotgun, the armor began to fall apart. At least ten skeletons cascaded out of the six-meter tall monster.

Lee looked solemn, and said that great warriors had been welded into the armor by black magic. Righteous or not, it seems there is little protection for the dead once they can no longer speak rites.

The room that the Great Armor guarded was made of olive-green serpentine. The swirls in the stones looked like screaming skulls. A single Dorian column, the marble cracked in places, supported an unseen weight. The stone walls were bare, except for the east wall, which held a portrait painted in violets of a woman summoning forth skull spirits. At the top of a pedestal stood a brazier, containing another Ability Soul.

I have the feeling we were supposed to meet someone here. However, there was nobody but the Pines Twins Squared.

 

Lee obtained what he called the Malphas soul from the brazier. Kochab says Malphas was a Great Prince of Hell, with 40 legions of demons to his command, and second only to Satan. He is the builder and creator of strongholds, high towers and houses, and throws down the seats of his enemies.

_Doodle of Stanley, caught mid-jump. His leather duster swirls around his feet._

> Caption: 21 7-15-16-26-25-12 7-22-3-10 3-12-25 10-22-25 11-21-26-25 25-24-24-25-1-10-11 15-24 22-15-9-11-21-16-23 17-9-18-10-21-14-18-25 11-15-9-18-11 7-21-10-22-21-16 3 2-15-26-5. 21-11 15-16-25 26-15-17-21-16-3-16-10 15-8-25-12 10-22-25 15-10-22-25-12-11? 2-9-10 21 19-16-15-7 17-5 2-12-15-10-22-25-12 21-11 11-10-21-18-18 21-16 10-22-25-12-25, 7-22-25-16 21 22-25-3-12 22-21-17 18-3-9-23-22 18-21-19-25 10-22-21-11.

How this relates to Lee gaining the ability to “double jump”, I do not know. It is rather amusing to watch my geriatric brother prance around like a gazelle. I haven’t heard him laugh this much in… how long have we been in this castle?

 

We took refuge in a chapel to bandage Yildun’s wounds, and traded some gemstones for enough leather to craft a chestplate for both niblings. Though we have found armor in the castle, it is not exactly in the right size for two fifteen-year olds. Kochab is surprisingly deft with his hands, and after two hours of work, the chestplates were done. 

We are running low on gemstones to trade at the alcoves. Kochab has crafted a hammer and a chisel, engineering a forge in the statues’ hands. He mines the gemstones from the chandeliers that we pass. He also obtained the ruby that sat in the hilt of the Great Armor’s sword.

 

### CIGAR SHAPED RECORDING DEVICE – 2 OUT OF 2

Recording: 13:13:13 min

* * *

 

**TRANSCRIPT**

STAN: Chickadee’s been avoiding me. Well, no, Mabel ain’t staying away from me like I walked outta the trash. But she flinches. She looks at me like I’m one a’ those monsters prowling ‘round the castle. Dunno know how tha’ Skyfish soul works, but I bet it didn’t work on the kids. Damn it. Never wanted them ta know that ‘bout me. They know I’m a crooked guy. Big difference between a crook and a criminal.

[The fire in the statue’s hand crackles.]

Laugh it up. I know the difference. Places like these, they eat up pretty girls and wear their skulls like pearls. They take young boys and turn them inta slaves. Natural to be scared. 

[Something cackles in the castle depths.]

Won’t let this castle hurt my niblings. Won’t let it hurt Ford. Won’t let it take me away. 

DISTORTED FEMALE VOICE: You changed, you changed you say, you wear another face but you carry the same lust in your fangs–

[STAN throws a rock in the general direction]: Shut up, damned bird!

[The distorted female voice giggles, before flames hiss and claim it.]

STAN: Gotta be one o’ them succubus. Succubae? Succubuses? Succubi? Sixer’ll know. The old stories, they say it’s the sirens you gotta watch out for. Load of bull. It’s the succubus that’s the danger. Sirens, you plug up your ears wit’ wax, turn the morning radio on high, an’ you’re free to go. They got only their voice. But the succubus knows what ya want. Family, hot babes, treasure – they read it off ya. Then they turn up the charm ta lure you inna their arms. Yeah, definitely a succubus. I smell the Stan o’ War II… the Mystery Shack… Ma’s matzo soup… Hafta be blind, deaf, and stone ta not listen ta them. Can’t run away when your eyes are shut.

[FORD snores loudly.]

STAN: Ah, Sixer’s as loud as ever. Wonder how Dracula dealt wit’em. Had a wife, didn’e? Can’t imagine Ma’d be happy if Pa brought se– lust demons around. Gotta watch my tongue. The kids’ll hear. Know they’re not kids anymore, not with what they’ve seen, but I wanna be a better role model. And I gotta face it: they probably know they shouldna look up ta me. But I can be better.

UNKNOWN: Yic ewy yic’bs upwjqst. Yic ji lijqsf vswf poe rwus. Pia kcup ir yic oe dps kwedsf ir dpoe uwedls, wjt pia kcup ir yic oe upwie?

STAN: Oh, Sara. The good die young. [bitter laugh] Is that why I’m still here?

SARA: yic wfs jid dps ijs dfwhhst aodpoj dps apoh. Yic dsll ks.

 

* * *

 

  **END RECORDING. DELETE?**

  

### ACRYLIC PINE-TREE SHAPED USB KEY: LABELED “PARA-VII-MTDM FILES”, ENCRYPTED

#### Name & Extension: “00-00-00_MT2_HEART-TO-HEART.mp4”

Size: 4.82 Gb on USB-PINE TREE II (4.82 Gb out of 100 Tb)

Created: Unknown

* * *

 

**TRANSCRIPT OF VIDEO  
**

 

DIPPER: Welcome back to Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons, real life edition. This is Mystery Twins – me and Mabel. Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford are exploring other parts of the library. We’re here on a research trip! I wish we could’ve recorded the other bosses we fought, but my camera was running low on battery. [Camera pans to a galvanic battery, constructed out of several empty wine bottles with a zinc and copper electrode sticking out of each. The entire contraption is attached to a set of batteries.] We’re fixing that. Ah well. Grunkle Ford has a good memory, so we can add his drawings to the Bestiary.

MABEL [picking a book off a stack]: So, do you think we’ll find any trapped spirits? Ooh! Maybe we can rescue someone!

[MABEL opens the book. A face appears out of the pages and starts screaming.]

MABEL AND DIPPER: *scream*

 

[FOOTAGE CORRUPTED]

 

DIPPER [rifling through a book]: Huh. So, this castle is built on something called a _Chaos Seed_. It’s basically a seat of power that leads to the _Chaos Realm_. Welp, I hope we never have to go there. I got enough chaos during Weirdmaggedon.

MABEL: Not our problem?

DIPPER: I hope it never is.

 

[FOOTAGE CORRUPTED]

 

MABEL: Hey, Dipper? There’s a book here on how to seal powerful spirits. Do you think that could be useful?

DIPPER: Let’s see… _a supernatural being separated from its place of power will slowly weaken and disintegrate, returning to the Hell from which it came. To prevent this, an integrating spell can be performed on an unwilling sacrifice_ – yuck. Uh, let’s see – _blood of the tainted, lead,_ there’s some graphics – oh jeez, Mabel, don’t look, these are really gross. Huh. Maybe I shouldn’t read these out loud. I don’t wanna get a spirit integrated into me.

MABEL: Let me see. Um, what’s this part? _Should the spirit be returned to Hell, this spell is more powerful if a child is conceived at the time of the spirit’s death?!_ They do _what_ to the kid so the supernatural being can re-emerge! But – but the kid is condemned to Hell too, according to this book! It isn't their fault!

DIPPER: Yeah, let’s put that away.

[MABEL looks troubled as they continue to research.]

 

[FOOTAGE CORRUPTED]

 

[The camera lies on top of a pile of books. The candles in the library burn low.] 

DIPPER [through a mouthful of fries]: Mabel? You tired?

MABEL: No. Why?

DIPPER [swallows, wipes his hands on his pants]: You look like you’re three seconds away from increasing Sweater Town’s population by one.

MABEL: Dipper, how can you be okay with this? Look! [She takes out his notebook and rifles through the pages.] Look at all these monsters. _They used to be people!_

DIPPER: I know, Mabel, but what can I do for them? I can't make them into my friends. They're just… too far gone. Whatever they are now, it's not human.

MABEL: Dipper?

DIPPER: Yeah, Mabel?

MABEL [retreating into her sweater]: I’m scared.

DIPPER: Oh, sis. C’mere. [He pats the ground.] Let’s talk. And I don’t even need to do the communication dance to open up. You know, despite being a gross gangly teenager – Mabel, c’mon. Talk to me, please?

[MABEL doesn’t look out of her sweater. DIPPER sits beside her in silence.]

MABEL: You know in my mythology books, right? They have all these stories about demons opening portals to Hell so they can drag sinners in. Do you think… do you think it could happen to us?

DIPPER: Well… we’re Jewish, right? If we brought some hamsa out, these creatures wouldn’t be affected. I bet if some of them tried to stick us with a Spear of Longinus, it wouldn’t work on us either, because it’s not in our beliefs. But if we take out a cross, or rosary, then that is in _their_ beliefs, so they’re vulnerable.

MABEL: Then why does it hurt if we get zapped or burned?

DIPPER: Well, no religion or culture has ever claimed shooting fireballs as one of their worshipper’s powers. Now that I’ve said that, next time we visit Gravity Falls, we’ll find something weirder than the Royal Order of the Holy Mackerel. Great-grandpa Filbrick was… um…

MABEL: He did fight in World War II. And the Nazis did mess around with mysticism.

DIPPER: Not quite sure the answer was to create your own mystic order. But what do I know? Maybe, if I was alive during that time, I’d want to find my own way of making sense of the world.

MABEL: Yeah… but it still kinda stunk of cod oil. I think I know why great-grandma Pines burnt most of his stuff.

[FOOTAGE CORRUPTED]

MABEL: Just think about the Great Armor, Dipper. All those people, they fought for things they believed in. They were heroes. But their bodies were contorted into becoming a monster.

DIPPER: Maybe their souls weren’t in their bodies anymore. I don’t know too much about this, but the living monsters we’ve seen? They don’t seem to have souls.

MABEL: Except for the Student Witch.

DIPPER: Who also escaped alive, and tore up Grunkle Ford’s robes like he was a scratching post. Oof. Hope he doesn't get cat scratch fever.

MABEL: Then why does Grunkle Stan call all the red orbs Souls?

DIPPER: Well, when he took the Axe Armor soul, it sorta fell apart. Maybe the Soul is just the part that gives the monster power?

MABEL [blows out a breath]: And then the monster dissipates. If these books are true, they all go to Hell… Dipper, do you think I’ll go to Hell for almost causing the end of the world?

DIPPER: I don’t know, Mabel. You’ve always been stronger in faith. Me, I’m more of a scientist. I can’t prove things that I can’t measure.

MABEL: So maybe I can be a good person, and do good things, and maybe I won’t eternally burn in flames. But if Grunkle Stan has these powers, and he’s been selling drugs… Dipper, he’s old! And crusty! What happens when–

DIPPER: The same thing we’ve always done, Mabel. We go right to the belly of the beast and we’re dragging our grunkle out.

MABEL: You really think we can do it?

DIPPER: Mabel, we Pines Twins squared: we stopped Weirdmaggedon. Hell’s got nothing on us. [He smiles.] And between you and me, I think we can keep it from ever going that far. That Smile Juice is the stuff of nightmares, after all.

MABEL [lets out a weak laugh]: Thanks, Dipper. I do feel better now.

DIPPER: Awkward sibling hug?

MABEL: Sincere sibling hug.

* * *

 

**END OF VIDEO**

 

* * *

 

IJZB, GPSE! CFU ZPV OFWFS UIPVHIT ZPV’E TFF NF BHBJO! CVU HVFTT YIP’T CBDL! J’MM FWFO IBWF B CBDL BHBJO, PODF J PVU PG UIJT CMPDLIFBE. 

UIJT DBTMF’T DIBPUJD FOFSHZ GFFET NF, BOE JU’T B SPMMFSDPBTUFS BMM UIF YBZ UP NBOJGFTUJOH JO UIF NPSUBM QMBOF! OPU UIBU UIBU’T BOZUIJOH UP CSBH BCPVS. ZPV PSHBOJD GMFTGCBHT BSF HSPTT, OP PGGFOTF.

J’N DPNJOH CBDL, TJYFS. J’N DPNJOH GPS FWFSZUIJOH ZPV MPWF. BOE XJSI UIJT DBTMF’T QPXFS, UIFSF JT OPUIJOH ZPV DBO EP UP TUPQ NF.

 

* * *

 

[Low, dark, rumbling voice. It sounds like a corrupted STAN.]

UNKNOWN: Did you think you could come into my home and steal what is mine? There is a price to pay, demon, and you have not made your deal with _me_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Numbers, and flip.  
> 2) Papa Wolf  
> 3) Caesar reigned twice: as a dictator, and as a consul.  
> 4) Loan Sharks are moving into Oregon, you know.  
> 5) Wendigo  
> 6) ESRB is the key to selling your videogame in North America.  
> 7) Easy as 123, ABC.  
> 8) Move over one, there's a new guy in town.


End file.
